Random Tho'ts

Patience

2012-01-18T18:10:00.002-06:00

I was thinking yesterday how much I'd like to go see my grandmother. You know, just run over for the day, visit, take her out for lunch, let her chat with Allen and the boys, etc.

But she died in June. And it still hits me hard each time I realize that I won't see her in this life again. I know I can take comfort that I'll see her in the next, and yes, hearing about her last words definitely was inspiring and wonderful and amazing, but it still hurts here in this life.

It took a long time to let myself grieve - mainly because I knew I'd have to deal with my mother, after not having had any real contact with her for nearly 20 years - her choice. I didn't allow myself to even cry until September - my grandmother's birthday.

I'll see her again...patience...

Everything old is new again

2012-01-12T16:53:00.002-06:00

You know, I've kind of enjoyed going back through old posts and reading things I've written in the past - issues with which I've struggled, joys I've shared, victories I've celebrated, darkness I've fought. Unfortunately, it seems like there were a lot more of the bad stuff than of the good, and perhaps even more disturbing - at least to me - a lot of this "bad stuff" is still around...

Monday

2012-01-09T18:10:00.002-06:00

Sometimes...

Anyway...we've been challenged as a church body to imagine this year, and as a part of that, to trust him, to praise him and to pray. Sounds simple enough, but wow, bringing it to the forefront of thought really was a a true challenge today. ESPECIALLY today...

Another post!

2012-01-06T17:45:00.002-06:00

So I just finished watching my elder son and his girlfriend work out. I asked him this morning to help me get into some shape other than round and he was thrilled! I think I might be in trouble, although after watching them this afternoon, I'm kinda looking forward to it. I just don't want to interfere in their time...:-)

Anybody out there?

2012-01-03T16:44:00.002-06:00

Wow - I can't remember the last time I actually BLOGGED...! Well, I guess I could actually look at my last post and see the date...but what fun would THAT be!?

The changes around here...

We have a senior and a sophomore. Prayers appreciated. No, really. The senior and his girlfriend are closing in on 2 years together - and we adore her! He wants to be a firefighter and is working toward that goal by doing ride-alongs, etc. His plan is to attend a local junior college and work on his paramedics licensure/associate's degree while she finishes high school. After that, we'll see.

The sophomore is working on getting his driver's license. Can you say "tunnel vision"? Can you also say "Mom's useless right now"? I'll explain in a moment. We've had to work around big bro's and dad's work schedules recently but he's been pretty patient.

Allen celebrated 20 years on the department this past spring - hard to believe! He's truly an amazing man - and not just because of that!

Okay - on to my story...I've had some medical issues and have been diagnosed with epilepsy. Which means that I can't drive. Which means I can't take HIM driving. Hopefully, it's a temporary restriction, but we'll have to wait at least 6 months. There are other restrictions, but that's the biggie. They can't tell what's actually causing the seizures, necessarily. The neurologist found a small, but inconsequential lesion, and also said that there's some brain shrinkage but didn't seem overly concerned currently. Just something to keep an eye on.

Anyway, it's been a tough year, what with that, and my beloved grandmother's passing this summer, but we're holding on to His promises and praying for His glory to shine through our lives in 2012!

Many blessings and blugs!

Just checking in...

2010-01-16T22:23:00.002-06:00

Hello, blogosphere! I'm baaaaaack...! (Well, I guess I've said THAT before - so don't hold your breath!)

I don't think anyone even checks this anymore, except those trying to sell sports jerseys...lol!

Updates: Ty is doing well - participating in extra-curricular activities AND keeping his grades up while keeping his dinners down! Hallelujah! Ry is doing okay - having a few grade issues, but we're working on it. We're gearing up for a full-ish February what with the Valentine's Banquet and the ladies' retreat. Also planning our competition schedule for the year - wish us luck!

Well, NOW I'm in trouble...!

2009-07-23T20:34:00.002-05:00

Allen has gotten me started on Facebook...oh my! Look for my pitiful page over there!

As far as the rest of life goes, well, so far so good!

The boys are getting ready for their first mission trip, and are very excited about it! Allen and I are going to enjoy being temporary empty-nesters, but we'll still miss 'em, I'm sure! Lol!

Looking forward to our next BBQ adventure with Lola.

Work's going great...

Evidently I need to get off the computer now - son's orders! (When did THAT happen?!?)

To my sweetie:

2009-06-20T14:26:00.000-05:00

...just wanted to peek in and wish you a happy birthday...

Love you...

2009-05-26T16:18:00.000-05:00

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

...happy birthday to me...!

...and it's over

2009-04-19T18:45:00.002-05:00

The auction, that it. And "he" did not show up. So, I didn't have to make a true decision, I guess, on how to treat him. Everyone seemed to get through the day alright, with or without medication, so that was a plus.

News

2009-03-21T15:59:00.002-05:00

...no, not aobut Tyler...

This news is about the man who impregnated the woman who gave birth to what ended up being, well, me. He is forcing my aunts to have an auction of my grandfather's possessions - something my grandfather absolutely did not want - so he could get his "share" sooner. We've kind of resolved ourselves to this, and it's fast approaching. However, I found out today that he will evidently BE there. And I have to admit, I don't know that I'm ready to face him. I'm really torn about how to treat him. I know what I should do, but I don't know if I'm a big enough person to actually DO that.

Just puttin' it out there...

Happy St Patrick's Day

2009-03-17T22:01:00.002-05:00

Hi there!

Well, things have begun to calm down a bit around here!

Allen is feeling better, although he'll remain off work for another few weeks. Tyler is still having pain/nausea/etc. but we can't find anything physically wrong with him - but he DID make it through an entire week of school last week! Not doing so well THIS week, but we'll keep trying. He's having a CAT scan this week, as well as meeting with a counselor. Ryan simply doesn't like the bubble wrap suit I insist he wear before leaving the house - we've had enough stuff happen to family members! And finally, the dog is fine...lol!

Back to the hospital

2009-03-01T14:59:00.002-06:00

...but THIS time, Allen called me and said he was in the ER and was having a problem with what turned out to be his gall bladder!

Soooooo...he had, as the doctor put it, "urgent" surgery on an infected, inflamed, and stone-filled gall bladder. And then he had some minor complications, so had to stay an extra day...

He's home now, thankfully!

Feb. 22

2009-02-22T17:11:00.002-06:00

Thank you for your prayers regarding Tyler. He's doing better. We had an overnight hospital stay in order to get some testing done, but he's home and doing better. He's started gaining a little weight - which is terrific! - but he still has a bit of a worrisome thing that we're still having a few tests run for.

Just got back from our annual women's retreat today. WOW! It was so great! We had rookies and vets and if they're like me, they were able to take plenty away from the weekend! We had a new location this year, but I think it's now our new home - everyone LOVED it, and it was much nicer than what we thought was our "ideal" place. I'll confess I was worried. The only real disadvantage was that we couldn't all stay in the same building, but we'll work through that. The Wild Women of Wongo had a cabin and the Pluck and Dye Crew had another one. We made it work! Ha!

The speakers were wonderful - thank you sisters! The worship was great - thanks Jeanna! The food was terrific - thanks Bridget and Gail! The fellowship was meaningful - thanks everyone! The revelations were, well, interesting to say the least!

Have a great week - I need sleep!!

A Possible Break

2009-02-07T14:26:00.002-06:00

Well, we went back to see the GI doc yesterday, and he had some ideas as to a diagnosis - hallelujah! Fortunately, everything inside the guts was fine. He doesn't know about the abdominal cavity yet, but we won't be checking that for a little while. Based on what the boy told him yesterday and our adventures over the past week, the doctor is leaning toward post-viral syndrome - a vague name for a vague set of symptoms. He also thinks DS1 has something called POTS (postural orthotic tachycardia syndrome or something like that) as well as some possible costochrondritis (I think that's what it's called.)

Soooo...basically, we'll keep doing what we're doing, with the exception of eliminating one of the meds the ER doc prescribed, and will keep trying to get the boy to eat.

But at least we have SOMETHING to go on...

Spoke too soon

2009-02-02T09:46:00.001-06:00

So, yeah. He wakes us up about midnight with nausea, rapid heartbeat, and uncontrollable shaking. He and I spent about five hours or so in the ER this morning, and now he has two more meds to take...

Sunday

2009-02-01T21:25:00.001-06:00

Well, the tests are all over, and now the wait begins. The boy did very well - better than I expected, for the most part. But not we need to wait for the results. My understanding is that we'll need to see the doctor again in about 2 weeks, and hopefully we'll get some answers. Thanks for sticking by me!

Post-consultation

2009-01-26T16:58:00.003-06:00

Well, we met the new doctor, and he is thoroughly confused by the boy's symptoms. Or at least the boy's description of his symptoms. Ha. So, the next step is the scope. We go back to have that done this Friday - and hopefully we'll get some answers after that.

Thank you for your prayers - they were felt and definitely appreciated!!

Sunday

2009-01-25T15:10:00.002-06:00

Hi~

We're heading to the doctor tomorrow, and I'm feeling pretty good about it right now. He's feeling better, and hopefully that will continue. I appreciate your prayers and well-wishes.

Working on the retreat - what a mess that almost was! The place we usually have it had a sprinkler leak bad enough that some of the rooms need to be gutted to the studs! Sooo - we had to find another place. I'm praying the place we've found will work out!

Guess that's about it for now. Have a good week!

Prayers, please

2009-01-18T18:43:00.002-06:00

The elder son is having some health issues currently, and at this point, we're at a loss. He's seeing a specialist on the 26th, and we would greatly appreciate your prayers. I don't necessarily want to get into all the details, but he's too young, and this stuff has been going on far too long! So, please remember him in your talks with the Father...thank you!!

Happy Decumary!

2008-12-28T12:36:00.002-06:00

Okay - I don't know why I even used that as the title - it's one of my pet peeves - and so is when people say "see you next year!" It's so cheesy!!!!

Anyway, so Christmas was very nice - evidently I was a better girl than I thought I was! We worked out the whole family-visit-logistics nightmare thing, and even found time to spend together as just the four of us! It was very nice to see my cousin again - we've never really been close, but it was great to feel included - even a little bit - with that side of the family.

Well, guess I'll see ya next year! Lol!

Dilemma

2008-12-21T13:44:00.001-06:00

Okay, so I guess the GOOD news is that we're being included in a holiday celebration with part of MY family - yeah, I KNOW! But the bad news is working out the whole scheduling thing. Our work schedules and getting with his family just aren't jiving with getting with my family. I guess most couples get all of this ironed out early on in their marriages - not 16 1/2 years in, huh.

Suffice it to say, things are still up in the air, and I'm not seeing a resolution. *sigh*

Just a shame!

2008-12-11T16:50:00.002-06:00

I apologize to the two of you who still visit my poor pitiful blog! I've been incredibly remiss, as well as blogging more often at the women's group page I've started - but even that's not very frequently! No excuses - just life...

Anyhoo - I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. We did, for the most part. Poor Allen was very ill, so I was afraid I was actually going to have to cook the turkey - and believe me, NO ONE wants that! But, since we smoked the bird, it all worked out - very little bird-sitting. He's feeling much better and has returned to work.

Now the elder boy is once again feeling like he has the stomach flu - sigh - when will this end?! Come on Spring!

We've been studying Robin Jones Gunn's Take Flight in our Tuesday night book group, and it's gone very well, I think. The nicest thing about the book is that each chapter can stand alone as a discussion, so no one has to feel like they have to catch up if they miss a week. It's also great that the topics are varied in how deep they can potentially be. And we've definitely experienced that - lol!

In other news, I'm working on next year's retreat. God has been so good and provided a topic and corresponding verses - LOVE it when that happens! I'm just waiting for a potential speaker to give me an answer, and a Sunday morning communion leader to check her daughter's volleyball schedule to see if she can attend. The menu is planned, the program is designed, the spreadsheets are ready for information...I guess now all I need is a good follow-up to the prayer walk from last year. I'd really like to do something that Brandon Scott Thomas talked about Otter Creek doing a few years back, but I'm not sure about the logistics of asking everyone to stay out of their rooms for as long as necessary.

So that's it...Have a fantastical week! (depending on how long until my next post "a nice month, year, etc...")

Happy Thanksgiving!

2008-11-27T11:12:00.000-06:00

May you discover new blessing for which to be thankful every day!

Much love!

November 11, 2008

2008-11-11T17:50:00.000-06:00

Thank you Veterans and currently-serving personnel!

Not to panic anyone, but...

2008-11-03T16:29:00.000-06:00

there are only 52 days until CHRISTMAS!!!! ACK!!!

I'm still here...

2008-10-20T17:05:00.002-05:00

Yeah, I know. It's been a month (almost exactly) since I last posted on this blog. No excuses - at least nothing different than anyone else - busy, life, other commitments, blah, blah, blah. Same old story. Not that it should matter, but there ya go.

So, to catch up my three readers...number one son went to his first high school dance this weekend. His date is just as cute as a bug and as sweet as can be! He, of course, is nigh on obsessed!

Went to the football massacre in St Louis this weekend as well. I think we had a good time in spite of the score, though. It was the first pro football game for me and da boyz. Did the whole tailgating thing, too. Quite the experience. Something happens to people when they are outdoors - I dunno.

There ya have it...now, back to laundry...

Some things never change...

2008-09-18T17:44:00.002-05:00

For example:
the government has changed hands numerous times...
sports heroes have come and gone...
different teams have won various world championships...
so many movies that were the next big thing have been relegated to
the dollar racks...
the newest songs are now "oldies"...

And then there's us...aside from all the obvious and outward changes, the only real change is that I love you more now than I did then.

Happy Anniversary, Allen. I am, in every thought of my heart, yours.

Hurricanes

2008-09-04T16:46:00.003-05:00

Thankfully, the Gulf Coast seems to have, in essence, dodged a bullet. Gustav has moved away without doing as much damage down there as was predicted. And where has he moved to, you might ask?

Why - HERE!

Happy Blogaversary!

2008-09-02T17:05:00.003-05:00

Yep - it's that time again! My fourth blogaversary! (Plus a month, but who's counting...) So, last year, we decided that the appropriate gift is an automobile, er I mean LEATHER. Yeah, that's what it was, and I simply like the interior of the that PARTICULAR automobile...well, yeah, THAT didn't happen...

So what's traditional for the fourth anniversary? Evidently, it's a bit more peaceful than leather - I mean, really! It's books and/or fruit...

Isn't that lovely?! So calming and relaxing - reminds me of a quiet summer afternoon in a gazebo...ah...

Much better than, say, something like this...

Um...yeah...

Think outside the box

2008-08-17T21:35:00.002-05:00

I'm trying to get the ol' creative juices flowing in preparation for our women's retreat in February of next year. For a long time, I didn't think we'd be able to have another retreat because we couldn't afford it, but He always works in mysterious and amazing ways, and long story short, we're having at least one more retreat!

Last year, the theme seemed to come fairly easily for me, as well as the coordinating graphics for the program - ha! However, this year, as I try to find a theme to match my available pictures, He is confounding me with a theme. I guess that's what I get for trying to mold Him to what's convenient for me.

Humility

2008-08-10T16:37:00.002-05:00

Yesterday morning, my elder son was part of a group that was "kidnapped" by the senior high youth group from church. They spent the day canoeing and swimming and then camped over night nearby. The parents of the kidnappee's were invited to the campsite for hte final touches on their "initiation" into the senior high group. I watched five young people wash five younger people's feet, one person at a time, and tell them how the older felt about the younger. At first, it was kind of a funny time for the younger crowd - someone washing your feet, in front of a crowd, after all, IS kind of giggle-making. At first. The longer these older kids humbled themselves and spoke to these younger kids, the more impact I saw. The younger ones started to really listen, and started to show some real respect for the act of service these older kids were performing.

I think it was a good lesson for everyone present.

Really???

2008-08-04T21:14:00.001-05:00

Okay - I think I may be losing my mind - again...I've just spent the entire evening - an evening WITHOUT my DH or kids - on the computer. Playing games. And listening to Christmas music.

uh...yeah...

Monday

2008-07-21T16:45:00.001-05:00

Hi - me again...

Nothing to say - or that I feel like saying right now - just wanted to let you know I'm still here...

...and then I read this...

2008-07-14T16:26:00.001-05:00

"You only love Christ as much as the person you love the least." (Thanks a lot, Mother Teresa!!)

You know, I realize I ask for that holy 2x4 occasionally, but come on!!!

Little Orphan...Me

2008-07-08T17:18:00.002-05:00

This weekend I think I came to a decision. That sounds weird, huh? Either I came to a decision or I didn't. Whatever.

Anyway, I am officially declaring my orphan-hood. I have one parent who doesn't want anything to do with me. Or my husband. Or my kids. At. All. That's one parent gone - by her choosing.

We have finally heard from my father. After six months. And he's just as warm and loving and concerned as EVER! (Please note the sarcasm...) After finding out his father and only remaining parent has died, his concern is not for his sisters, or his daughter or her family. No, his concern, and I quote, was "How much do I get and will it be in a lump sum?" Niiiice... Nothing about why he hasn't called or tried to contact anyone, nothing about the woman in the background feeding him questions. Nada. Zip. Zilch.

I know I should be the Christian woman I say I am and forgive and love and be sympathetic and all that, but I just don't feel it. Yet. And I know I should be grateful to still have my parents living, seeing as some people don't. But, the way I'm currently feeling...

Anyway.

moving on

2008-06-19T16:36:00.002-05:00

Got back not too long ago from my grandfather's funeral. It was a very nice ceremony, if those things can be considered "nice."

I was doing okay - no, really - considering how uncomfortable I was with this side of the family (I don't really know anyone!) etc, when someone tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around expecting to find a long lost relative who hadn't seen me since I was "this high!" But it was two very dear sisters from our church. Down tumbled my calm facade like the walls of Jericho...I was so grateful they would take the time to travel out of town to be there for us. And even though they weren't able to sit with us, it was so comforting just knowing they were in the building.

The other thing that set me off was when the Job's Daughters formed the cross. They do it at the end of every meeting/function, but it still held a great deal of meaning. Even big old tough guy Allen was weepy.

And the third thing was when my boys put a Cubs ball cap on his casket at the cemetary. He was a HUGE Cubs fan! He's even wearing a Cubs tie, and my aunts had incorporated a ball cap into the casket arrangement.

The down side, other than the obvious, is that no one can locate my father. He's disabled and can't be by himself. No one has heard from him for quite awhile. He lives out of state, and we've been trying to contact him to let him know about grandfather's passing, but we can't find him. My aunt called the local law enforcement agency to do a welfare check and inform him, but we haven't heard back from them yet. Prayers appreciated...

...

2008-06-15T22:14:00.002-05:00

My grandfather passed away tonight. He'd had a heart attack yesterday evening, and was deprived of oxygen for quite awhile. Allen and I went to see him today, and spent a few hours with my aunts at the hospital. He's finally back with my grandmother after nearly a decade apart.

Ugh...

2008-06-11T17:03:00.003-05:00

Ever have one of those, well, lives? It seems like we are high up on satan's list, 'cuz we can't win for losin'! The past few weeks have been really tough, and I'm frustrated and discouraged and whiny and grumpy and...well, you get the idea.

Not looking for anything, really. Just needed to vent...

Semantics

2008-05-29T16:58:00.002-05:00

So I'm officially another year older as of Monday. Not too big of a deal, although as my husband lovingly reminds me, I'm now IN my forties, not just forty! Thanks dear! Very quiet weekend overall.

School's over except for that pesky state-required hour - really, I mean, what's the point?! One kid wants to go, one doesn't. Whatev.

Work is work. I still am really enjoying it, and my boss seems to think I have something to contribute, because she keeps giving me things to do! Lol! As a matter of fact, she wants to meet for lunch tomorrow (away from the BIC) and put something else on my to do list. Hmmm...sounds intriguing...

Okay, well, life is progressing - some good, some not so much - but always blessed and forgiven - AMEN!

Goin' to Kansas City...

2008-05-05T18:20:00.003-05:00

Okay, well, actually, we're BACK from KCMO! We went down there with some friends for a long weekend and we had a great time! Lots of music, lots of history, lots of FOOD!! Allen got to share one of his favorite neighborhoods with me, and it really was special!

We stayed in a beautiful old hotel - the Hotel Savoy. It's 120 years old, or so, and the old girl shows her age! But we both love old, classic buildings like that, so we were thrilled. We kept imagining the place in it's heyday, and how gorgeous it would have been.

This is a photo showing some of the stained glass windows on the first floor. The photo in my header is the stained glass window in the lobby ceiling...see what I mean?!

So we went to 18th & Vine, and explored all the history down there: the Blue Room, the Foundation, the Negro League Baseball Museum, the American Jazz Museum...and the people there are so amazingly friendly! They remembered Allen (or at least pretended to - ha!) and were so happy to see him again!

The music at the Blue Room and the Juke House and the Foundation was terrific, and I have discovered a new appreciation for jazz and especially the blues.

And then there was the food - have mercy it was great!!! Wow!!!

But we missed our boys, and judging from the number of calls we received, at least one of them missed us too. So we decided to come home early and take a day to recover before hitting the ground running once again.

Monday Monday

2008-04-21T17:33:00.001-05:00

Hiya - don't really have anything deep and meaningful to say...just wanted to see if anyone even still checks in...I'm here. Doin' the laundry. Yup.

'Scuse me - those are my toes you're stepping on...

2008-04-04T20:34:00.002-05:00

My Jesus - Todd Agnew

Which Jesus do you follow?
Which Jesus do you serve?
If Ephesians says to imitate Christ
Why do you look so much like the world?

Cause my Jesus bled and died
He spent His time with thieves and liars
He loved the poor and accosted the arrogant -
So which one do you want to be?

Blessed are the poor in spirit
Or do we pray to be blessed with the wealth of this land
Blessed are they that hunger and thirst for righteousness
Or do we ache for another taste of this world of shifting sand

Cause my Jesus bled and died for my sins
He spent His time with thieves and sluts and liars
He loved the poor and accosted the rich -
So which one do you want to be?

Who is this that you follow
This picture of the American dream
If Jesus was here would you walk right by on the other side
or fall down and worship at His holy feet?

Pretty blue eyes and curly brown hair and a clear complexion
Is how you see Him as He dies for your sins
But the Word says He was battered and scarred
Or did you miss that part?
Sometimes I doubt we'd recognize Him

Cause my Jesus bled and died
He spent His time with thieves and the least of these
He loved the poor and accosted the comfortable -
So which one do you want to be?

Cause my Jesus would never be accepted in my church
The blood and dirt on His feet might stain the carpet
But He reaches for the hurting and despises the proud
But I think He'd prefer Beale Street to the stained glass crowd
And I know that He can hear me if I cry out loud

I want to be like my Jesus!
I want to be like my Jesus!
I want to be like my Jesus!
I want to be like my Jesus!

Not a posterchild for American prosperity, but like my Jesus
You see I'm tired of living for success and popularity
I want to be like my Jesus but I'm not sure what that means to be like You Jesus
Cause You said to live like You, love like You, but then You died for me
Can I be like You, Jesus?
I want to like You, Jesus

I want to be like my Jesus

This weekend...

2008-04-01T19:11:00.004-05:00

Hiya!

Spent time with my grandmother this weekend - I can't tell you how much I adore and treasure that woman! She's getting on in years, and was telling us how she's already planned her funeral. It was disturbing and comforting at the same time - if that's possible. She's taking it all in stride and, bless her heart, doesn't want anyone else to worry about anything. She absolutely amazes me!

We were looking at old photos of her and my grandfather. They married when she was only 15, and then he went off to war. She lived with his family until he returned (can you imagine?) She just reminisced about their years together, and you can definitely tell that he's the love of her life. He died before I came along. She remarried twice, but it's STILL all about him.

She also gave me a gift this weekend. It's a ring that she had made from the stones in her wedding band and my grandfather's band. I was thrilled! She told me to make sure to give it to my granddaughter someday. I don't want to think about that for a loooooong time! LOL!

Anyway, we really enjoyed our time together, and she ALWAYS spoils us when we see her. It was also kinda nice to tool around the ol' hometown, too. Interesting, anyway...

See ya!

A new anthem?

2008-03-25T21:30:00.000-05:00

On A Corner In Memphis

Saturday on Beale St. with the drunk and the searching
I hear an old man playing guitar
I can’t make out what he’s saying
But I can tell you that he’s suffered
And that he means every word from the bottom
Of what’s left of his heart… tonight

A few hours later, I slip into church
Singing songs about saving grace
One guy’s nodding off and another hates to be here
And we all mouth the words to save face
It’s 11:15 on Sunday morning
And I wish I was

On a corner in Memphis listening to the old man
Singing out his sorrows and laying down his pride
He’s telling me his story or at least his side
With no need to pretend and nowhere to hide

‘Cause we are all broken here
We’re are all ashamed
I couldn’t fool you if I wanted to
Our stories are too much the same

And what about this Jesus?
They say He drank with the poor and the blind and the lame
Do you think He’d like the songs that we sing?
Or would He feel the same as I do?
What if Sunday School was on Saturday night?

What if their heart-breaking cries of pain
Are the first hymns of tomorrow’s saints?

On a corner in Memphis, we’re singing with the old man
Crying for his sorrows and laying down our pride
He’s telling us our story, or at least his side
With no need to pretend and nowhere to hide

On a corner in Memphis
We’re singing out our sorrows
He’s telling us his story
With no need to pretend and nowhere to hide
On a corner in Memphis

Written by Todd Agnew
©2007 Ardent/Koala Music (ASCAP). All Rights Reserved.

Update

2008-03-08T10:50:00.002-06:00

Just wanted to get my retreat impressions out there, as it were...

I felt like the women's retreat this year went really, really well! We worked on it, praying and planning and tweaking and refining for nearly a year. Our theme was Overflow, and I asked our speakers to prepare 20 - 30 minutes on that theme, and that was pretty much the only direction I gave them. And we stepped back and watched God bring it all together - so amazing!! Somehow, even over all the miles between everyone, He made everything nearly seamless! I had so many comments on how well everything came together, and how Spirit-filled the weekend was. I think the highlight for me was the prayer walk. I had so much positive feedback on that. One sister in particular said that even if we did nothing else for the entire weekend, the prayer walk was more than enough for her, and that Jesus met her in a very real way. I'm anxious to hear what others who attended the weekend thought of the retreat!

Now, on to the rest of the year...!

Hi!

2008-02-12T22:00:00.003-06:00

Hiya! Sorry I've been away for awhile (again!) - no excuses butcept life. Trying to get ready for the retreat (yay! ACK!), trying to help Tyler get his grades up to ensure his eligibility for sports, trying to...well, you name it!

I've been faithfully reading blogs when I'm not deep in training others, but you all (?) know how that can be. I've been having blog-able thoughts, but haven't written them down or otherwise recorded them for blogging when I got home.

So. There ya go. Life is going on. Still in love with my wonderful husband, my sweet kids, my fuzzy dog, my amazing Lord. What more could I possibly say?

(PS - Hi Jenn! I'm reading your blog too, just can't comment at work...)

Long time no blog

2008-01-23T16:54:00.000-06:00

Don't really have an excuse for my long absence, just haven't felt like I have anything to say. I've been reading everyone else's blogs as often as I can, but I haven't felt like writing my own. Right now I'm currently too stressed and down to think about anything other than trying to make it through the days. Happy winter, eh? Anyway, hopefully my funk will dissipate soon. I just need - well, I need a lot of things, but none of it's going to happen, so why bother wishing, right? Moving on...

Post holiday, part 2

2007-12-27T16:43:00.000-06:00

I hope all of you had a wonderful, wonder-filled Christmas. Santa came early for us - he does that for public servants when necessary. Waddaguy!

Now, on to New Year's - anyone have resolutions? Anything anyone would like to see in '08?

Moving into high mode on the retreat, too. Herding cats, in my opinion - *sheesh* - lol!

Just wanted y'all to know I AM still here - just not often...miss you!

Brand new...

2007-12-02T21:50:00.001-06:00

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

Ryan (my Rybee), original birthdate 07/05; re-birthdate 12/02.

Dad, doing the honors...

Getting some hugs from the dudes...

New in Christ, but still goofy and lovable.

Post-holiday...

2007-11-26T17:06:00.000-06:00

I hope you all had a terrific, restful Thanksgiving! We certainly did - well, maybe not restful necessarily, but...

I think Allen and I rediscovered how much fun the other can be. We spent a LOT of time together this weekend: picking out paint colors, applying said paint, cleaning house, law-breaking *ahem*, watching TV - just hangin' out. It was really fun, and something I think we needed.

Now, on to Christmas - and yes, I'm using the C-word! Less than thirty days, people!! I'm looking forward to this weekend's slumbie/decorating session at the church. I really hope we have enough decorations donated to do what I am envisioning...we'll see!

Off to do homework...!

Mojo risin' (not)

2007-11-20T19:18:00.000-06:00

I've lost my mojos, I think. I've lost my stitching mojo, my blogging mojo, my music mojo - you name it and I can't seem to find it. Even my *gasp* Christmas mojo - can you imagine?!

I feel okay. I'm excited about the things I AM doing, but the things I mentioned - meh. Maybe I'm just tired today. I dunno...

Tyler is going to go out for the wrestling team. I think it will be really good for him. I don't know why, but I feel very comfortable with this. Guess I'll just go with it! LoL!

Okay - wrists hurting, so I better go...

Have a great week and a wonderful Thanksgiving, Blogville!

Catching up

2007-11-15T20:57:00.000-06:00

So, yeah, Thanksgiving is one week away. Can you believe it?! And tomorrow, (Friday) the holiday-which-must-not-yet-be-named will be here in less time than Noah didn't have to water his lawn! (So to speak...)

My supervisor has asked me to mentor/train the new person that will be coming to work with me. Great news! I'm very happy that she has seen something in me that she feels is good enough to train someone else. However, that means my current partner on my floor and former mentor/trainer is moving to another floor. Yeah, NOT so great news! So, I'm trying really hard not to be a pain about being excited, and respecting the fact that she doesn't want to move. I know she's bitter (inside, anyway) and not happy by any stretch of the imagination. But like someone told me today, I can't own her problems.

Soooo...I guess I won't! Lol!

Duh...

2007-10-30T18:43:00.000-05:00

Wow - I guess if I actually blogged more often, I would have noticed that my most recent post echoed very closely the one immediately prior - either that or I'm REALLY REALLY boring...

What?

2007-10-27T10:43:00.000-05:00

In response to some of the comments left on my previous entry, specifically Maud's, I have to admit (59 days) that I'm not sure to what you are referring. Christmas (59 days people!) is a long way off, and far be it from me (cards ready?) to harp on any sort of subject - especially (lists made!) on that tends to make people unhappy - time after time after time (gifts? check!) until people are ready to kill me! I mean, come on - I'm not a glutton (menu planned) for punishment here! I've learned my lesson in years past! I'm not going to mention ANYTHING about (cookies!!!) the holiday that's coming up! Nuh-uh! Nosirree! Not me!!!

Lol - actually, I've been trying to get things together for the sisterchick lock-in at the end of November - we'll be decorating the church building, so I've been coming up with ideas for that rather than doing anything for the house.

Beyond that, I'm heavily into planning next year's retreat - yay!!! We're making some changes, and I'm really excited about it! Nearly everything is done, and I've still got about four months. (Can you say "over-tweaking"? Lol!)

In work news, I've been given all KINDS of new responsibilities, so either I've really impressed someone, or I've messed up in reverse! But, actually, I'm really enjoying the new things, so that's good!

Have a terrific day, Blogville!

Testing...1...2...3...

2007-10-15T21:02:00.000-05:00

Yes, I'm still around. I was just sitting here, playing me some Bingo Luau on Pogo (hit 1 million tokens tonight - woot!) and was listening to my iPod play list when a song by Michael Card came on. Took me back to about 13 years ago...(cue flashback sequence)

...to when Tyler was just a little thing and as a gift, someone made us a tape of Michael Card music, along with some other lullaby-esque tunes. We played that tape EVERY. NIGHT. Sometimes, more than once! Then, we played it for Ryan when he came along. I still have it somewhere around here. I'll always remember rocking each one of them in the dark, listening to that tape. *sniff*

Moving on...so yeah, my job is still going like gangbusters! I'm so thankful I am where I am! Just last week, I was accorded some extra 'sponsibilities, so I must be doing something right, right?

(Wow - it just hit me how pitiful that fact that I'm excited about a million tokens (which, by the way, I'll NEVER use for anything) is, and how much wasted time over the last seven years those tokens represent! Ack!)

Anyway, in other news, I've started (and nearly completed) next year's women's retreat! We're changing some things (a lot of things, actually!) and I'm really getting excited about it! Almost everything is done, like I said, but I still have about four months to go. Great. How much planning is too much??? I also started working on some things a little closer timewise.

As far as my last post goes, the throat is feeling MUCH better, and I even sang with the praise team yesterday. But the weird thing was that I had NO confidence in singing at all. I felt like I couldn't hit a note with a rock. Weird...guess it's a good thing I didn't have a solo, huh?

Just wanted to let people know I'm still around, and have let up on the pressure to post things deep and meaningful all the time (obviously, eh?) Lol!

Have a great week, Blogville! Blugs!

Shhhh!

2007-10-07T16:44:00.000-05:00

I am getting over the start-of-school cold that my beloved sons thoughfully brought home. I'm pretty much well, with the occasional minor cough, but I've had a real scare with my throat. For a number of days, it felt like I had some sort of lesion in my throat. It hurt to talk, it hurt to whisper, it hurt to breathe! So, for those few days, I was very quiet - whispering only when necessary - and taking pain medication, etc. to try to recover as soon as possible. Then it started to hurt less to talk. Still cautious, I took another couple of 'quiet' days, just to be sure.

Feeling pretty good, I took the next step - I tried to sing a little something in the car on the way home from work - BAD. IDEA. The pain was excruciating! I was really afraid that I wouldn't be able to sing for a very long time - or even ever again! You must understand that singing is what I do. I can't teach or preach, I'm not very good with socializing - the only thing I do in front of people pretty much is sing. (And to be honest, there are plenty of times when THAT doesn't go to well!)

Singing is how I praise. It's how I feel close to Him. It's my way into the throne room. If I can't sing, how will I get there? I was in crisis mode.

I finally decided just to be quiet for a little longer and listen. I still managed to sneak into the throne room - just not as loudly. Today at church, I just listened to everyone else around me singing. I was just quiet. And I was okay with that.

15 + 1

2007-09-20T17:08:00.001-05:00

Well, we had our traditional anniversary meal last night, and it was very nice - the kids were wonderfully behaved and intent upon serving us, the dog was brought us each our slippers, the coolers were frosty cold and tasty...riiiiiight...

Just kidding! Actually, we're both coming down with the annual start-of-school cold/flu thing that our beloved children have brought home along with homework. Blech.

I finally woke up last night around 11:30 to find Allen snoozing at the other end of the couch - you're jealous, I know.

Anyway, we're both looking forward to maybe heading out for a real anniversary dinner this weekend - just the two of us. I can't wait! Especially since we're hosting Ryan's sleepover Friday night. Pray for us...?

I still do...

2007-09-19T17:38:00.000-05:00

1 true love

2 boys

3 dogs

4 different jobs for me/addresses for us

5 members in our current family unit

6 different cars

7 years ago - a new millenium! Does that mean our love is for the ages?

8 years ago we partied like it was - oh, wait, it WAS!

9 years ago was our first house-buying adventure - ack!

10 trillion times per day I think of you

11 years of being a family of four

12 months seem to go by too fast and at the same time too slow

13 years of anniversary fried chicken dinners (so we missed a couple of years...)

14 million versions of barbecue sauce and/or rub - HA! Finally got it, though!

15 years of loving you and thanking God every day for bringing us together

Happy anniversary, sweetheart! I love you!

Just get over it already!

2007-09-11T19:02:00.000-05:00

No, this isn't going to be some sort of political entry, or even about Britney's belly.

My feelings were hurt this weekend, completely unintentionally, but I REALLY struggled to deal with it. It affected my attitude Saturday, it affected my worship on Sunday, it made me grumpy and resentful and altogether unpleasant to be around.

Someone mentioned offhandedly that a bunch of friends were getting together Saturday evening, and wondered if I'd be there. Well, that would be no, because this was the first I'd heard about it.

"Oh. Well, your name was mentioned."

Niiiiiice.

So my attitude was crap.

I really, truly, tried to look on the brighter side - to be encouraged that some of the women were getting together in fellowship and fun (one of my goals for the women at church), and I knew that if I prayed for their evening, my attitude would improve. So I tried to pray.

Yeah. That didn't go so well.

I was pretty far down into my own little pity party to do much prayer-warrior-ing (?) but, I did get over it. Thanks in large part to a well-timed pants-kicking by my beloved hubby.

Then Monday happens along and all my insecurities that nobody likes me were brought to the fore once again, due to some perceived (on my part) anger or SOMEthing with a co-worker. I hated how I felt. I hated that it was happening again. I hated that I had let satan get to me.

I gave myself a mental shake and reached out to the co-worker, who by the way, was FINE - no anger AT. ALL.

Satan is such a nerd!

Blessed

2007-08-27T17:21:00.001-05:00

Today I was talking to a friend at work. He wanted to show me the pictures his wife has been taking and posting online. They really were great. But moreso than the pictures, I was taken by the pride and love so evident in what he said and how he said things.

I then thought about Allen, and how he talks about me when I'm not around. I know he loves me, and he always builds me up. I am blessed.

Then it hit me: that's how Jesus talks about me. He's proud of me when I do well, he grieves when I've disappointed him. The love is evident whenever he speaks of me. Thinking about me makes him smile. He knows everything, but forgets the bad and loves the good.

I really am blessed.

13

2007-08-19T15:29:00.000-05:00

Thirteen years old. I'm having such a hard time with that. I can't believe my elder son is now a teenager. He's embarking on such an exciting journey through life - everything is ahead of him.

For his thirteenth birthday, we gave him journey-themed gifts. His own Bible, to show him which way he should go on his journey. A cross necklace, to remind him that he's so special that Someone died just for him. A watch to remind him that it's never too late to change. And a video game, to remind him to have fun on the way.

...and I didn't even cry...

Tuesday

2007-08-14T19:41:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I probably should post something here, but today, I'm worn out. I'm just plain tired. Of just about everything. Sorry. Maybe I'll write something inspirational or enightening tomorrow...

On being like a teenager...

2007-08-06T17:15:00.000-05:00

Actually, I snagged this from another blog I read, and you're only supposed to use one word answers - close enough to being a teen, I guess...

1. Where is your cellphone? Cellphone?
2. Relationship? Married
3. Your hair? Unruly
4. Work? Happy
5. Your sister? None
6. Your favorite thing? Singing
7. Your dream last night? Unremembered
8. Your favorite drink? Soda
9. Your dream car? Paid
10. The room you're in? Office
11. Your shoes? Indoors?!?
12. Your biggest fear? Failure
13. What do you want to be in 10 years? Better
14. Who did you hang out with this weekend? Friends
15. What are you not good at? Cooking
16. Muffin? Please
17. One of your wish list items? House
18. Where you grew up? Illinois
19. Last thing you did? Logon
20. What are you wearing? Pardon?
21. What aren't you wearing? Shoes
22. Your pet? Spoiled
23. Your computer? PC
24. Your life? Busy
25. Your mood? Okay
26. Missing? Hubby
27. What are you thinking about right now? Answers
28. Your car? Untidy
29. Your kitchen? Tidier
30. Your summer? HOT!
31. Your favorite color? Blue
32. Last time you laughed? Today
33. Last time you cried? Yesterday
34. School? Shopping
35. Love? Family

Your turn...

It's Here!

2007-08-02T16:17:00.000-05:00

Today's the day! The big 0-3! I can hardly believe it! This blog is finally, officially, past the terrible two's! Whodathunkit? Blogville, I just want to thank you for letting me pitch my tent here for as long as you have, and for putting up with me - you guys ROCK!

And...I'm not REALLY hinting about a gift or anything, but my understanding is that leather is the traditional 3rd anniversary gift...

...What? It has leather...

I'm just sayin'...

Georgia on my mind

2007-07-07T15:29:00.000-05:00

As you may have read in DH's blog, we're going on vacation! Whoot! We are so excited! Our first ever official vacation - and it's to the mountains and the ocean - scree! Not really too much more to say that he hasn't, so...see you on the flip side, I guess - oh, and prayers are ALWAYS appreciated! (After all, we're spending a week in the same hotel room as our children...LOL!)

Recap

2007-06-20T07:12:00.000-05:00

A message for my Boo...

Happy Birthday, Allen! Love you!!!!

An update

2007-06-11T17:51:00.001-05:00

Well, at first the doctors couldn't find anything on my aunt's CAT scan. They set up an MRI for today. And they found something. Boy, did they find something! She's definitely had a stroke - but it's not her first - huh? Exactly. Evidently this is her fourth stroke - you'd think she would be a pro at them by now, wouldn't you? However, no one was more surprised at the news than she was.

So. Now they're going to do a "procedure" (not a "surgery") to her carotid artery, and hopefully take care of what might be happening in there. That means that she'll be in hospital for a couple more days at least.

She currently lives with and takes care of my grandfather. At this point, we don't really think he 'gets' what her condition will mean. Of course, that could be because no one wants to tell him the entire story.

Thank you for your prayers, and I ask that you continue.

My Aunt

2007-06-10T17:11:00.000-05:00

My aunt's function was yesterday - you know - the one I was doing those "blasted angels" for. We went to meet her for her rehearsal Thursday evening in a town about an hour or so away from home. We did the rehearsal thing, and crashed in her suite because there was no possible way I was going to be able to drive home that late at night. My aunt, bless her, was overly stressed and under rested - welcome to Grand Session! She'd been fighting an upper respiratory infection for the past couple of weeks, but had regained her voice, and was feeling better. We (the boys and I) left to see the sights and head home Friday morning.

All of us went back to meet her yesterday afternoon/evening. THIS was what she had been working for during the past two years. Everything would finally come together this night - the room was beautiful, everyone was dressed to the nines! We went to her suite to see if she needed anything, and she told me that she was feeling fine, but that her speech was slurred, and she couldn't speak earlier that morning. When I looked at her, her mouth drooped to one side. She was trying really hard not to let my grandfather know anything might be wrong. I called Allen into her room to give her a quick check. He tested her grip, checked her pupils, and told her that as far as he could tell, she was okay. She ended up telling my grandfather, and assured him that if she didn't feel better Sunday that she would go to a doctor.

Allen pulled me aside and told me he thought something was wrong, but if it had happened early this morning, there wasn't much to be done at this moment. We went to her installation, and she just wasn't herself. She definitely raised the concern of more than one person in the room. As soon as the ceremony was over, she was convinced to go to the hospital immediately.

As of right now, they've brought her blood pressure down enough that it doesn't seem to be a huge concern, but they still have her on a stroke protocol. They haven't definitively decided that that is what has happened, but today hasn't been much better - she's still slurring, and now forgetting words.

Please keep her in your prayers. Her name is Joy, and she is very dear to me. Thanks, Blogville...

Today's the gulp day...

2007-05-26T21:55:00.000-05:00

I'm really doing okay with today being my birthday. Although my planned women's ministry activity was somewhat of a flop, and neither my wonderful hubby nor my sweet kids are home with me, and it's raining, and...oh, heck!

Actually, it was a nice day! I don't really FEEL any older, and the fact that this is THE BIG ONE isn't coming into play too much. I'm looking forward to everyone being home soon, and just enjoying the long weekend. (Older people need more rest, you know...lol!)

Thanks to my great friends who turned something I was planning for someone else into a surprise celebration for me last night! I was so honored! Wait till next year, JL - your turn!!

Hospitality

2007-05-21T17:09:00.000-05:00

We are having a cookout for some of Allen's fellow firefighters in a couple of weeks, and I've been trying really hard NOT to get stressed over the house and whether or not it's perfect. I can give you a laundry list of what things need to be done, but not when or how the things are going to get done. Usually, the prospect of guests sends me into some semblance of cleaning/organizing/decorating overdrive. Two houses ago, Allen invited his entire family over to see our then-new home for Easter Sunday. We were up VERY late most of that week, trying to add some color and (eep!) wallpaper to that house. Quite a week, let me tell you!

It's even more nervewracking for me because the guests are not from our church family. I can let some things slide for some people, because they have to love me anyway. Lol! But not so with this crowd, so I'm a little edgy on how things will come together.

At the same time, I'm trying to wrap my head around a hospitality ministry at church. We're trying to determine what that exactly should be, and where it should fit in terms of a pigeonhole - should it fall under the women's ministry? Should it be a ministry all its own?

The more research I'm doing on the topic shows me that there are some very divergent ideas on what hospitality means to some churches. All of them characterize serving others. But that service seems to range from helping with parking places to finding somewhere for someone to live. Quite a range.

I try to pride myself on being hospitable to guests in our home. And I'm becoming convicted that this pride is displaced. I read this:

The Bible suggests several attributes found in a ministry of hospitality. A focus on the needs of others rather than on one’s own is exemplified in the stories of Abraham and the three visitors (Genesis 18), the Shunammite woman (II Kings 4:8-37), and the Good Samaritan (Luke 10:25-37). A willingness to share whatever one has, even if it is meager, is demonstrated in the widow of Zarephath (I Kings 17), the little boy with a lunch (John 6:9), and the disciples from Emmaus (Luke 24:13-32).

A loving heart seeking relationship is exemplified by Mary (Luke 10:38) and in Simon’s home (Luke 7:36-50). Courage to risk developing relationships is seen in Abigail (I Samuel 25) and in Rahab (Joshua 2).

Strikingly little is said about skills of cooking, the possession of a beautiful home, or ability in conversation. In fact, the only reference to this is Christ’s gentle remonstrance with Martha not to “fret and fuss” about the details of preparing a meal for Him. He pointed her instead to the priority of being with Him. Thus, simplicity and service characterize the type of hospitality found in the scriptures.

A counterfeit form of hospitality is often confused with true Christian hospitality. This “entertaining” is ego-centered and based on materialistic concepts sold in advertisements and the media which suggest that being a “good” host or hostess demands gourmet cooking ability, a spotless and sparkling home, witty and charming conversations, etc. This form of entertaining can result in bondage, excessive labor, preoccupation with one’s own needs, and reluctance to be spontaneously generous.

(Sorry - I can only find that the quote comes from PlusLine.)

Talk about convicting! Especially that last paragraph - bondage, excessive labor, preoccupation with one's own needs - yep - got 'em all!

Now, I'm not talking about letting the house just kinda be what it is currently - there are things that need to be done to help our guests be comfortable, etc. But I have been convicted that my brand of 'hospitality' is 'show off-tality', you know? Any tips on overcoming this?

Monday

2007-05-14T17:55:00.000-05:00

Hope all the mom's out there had a lovely Mother's Day - I know I did! My guys made sure I didn't have to lift a finger all day! Sweet!

To the two people who are still looking for posts from me - sorry! I've really been wrapped up in stuff with family and home (ask me about my wall!) and the women's ministry. I'm just not feeling the whole blog thing right now. I don't know. I'm also not feeling the whole praise team thing right now again either. (?)

We've got plans every weekend through the end of June, so I know I need to get my ducks in a row and get busy getting ready. It's mostly things I'm looking forward to, so that's good.

Any-hoo, life goes on, and I'm continually blessed by God. Blugs!!

Question #2

2007-05-06T18:57:00.000-05:00

What ability would you like to wake up with tomorrow?

**Sorry - wasn't thinking right - I meant to ask what QUALITY you'd like to have...

Question...

2007-05-01T06:48:00.000-05:00

If you could wake up tomorrow with any ability or gift, what would it be and why?

Miscellania

2007-04-25T17:24:00.000-05:00

I was paid a compliment today that I absolutely don't deserve. I have been sending short devotionals out to the women on the women's ministry servant group on Wednesdays. I've really enjoyed finding just the right ones, and rummaging through my files Wednesday mornings in order to send them out. (Yes, paper files - so?) Any-hoo, one of the women emailed me back and paid me a very sweet compliment. I was brought up short, and very convicted about all that I haven't been doing for this ministry. I know that's not at all why she sent it, but God took care of the real message...
__________________________________

Got the boy's progress reports recently. DS2 will be on A-B honor roll again! And - drum roll please! - DS1 is not only passing, he's passing pretty darn well, thankyouverymuch! Has the corner finally been turned?! Wahoo!

___________________________________

My goober of a husband is floating through the house this week. He's finally getting to leave on at least part of his long awaited Blues & BBQ tour. This weekend, he and another brother from church are heading to KCMO for lots of fellowship, lots of music, and lots of RIBS! As I am typing, he started playing Fats Domino's "Going to Kansas City." Albone is SOOO jazzed (no pun intended!) about going! And I'm very excited for him - he needs this trip! He deserves this trip! He's finally going on this trip!
___________________________________

And my plans for the weekend? Hint: two words - a season and an unpleasant activity...guesses? Yep - spring cleaning! I'm sure my boys would appreciate prayers for rescue.

Tingly-feeling

2007-04-14T12:57:00.000-05:00

Shhh! I'm listening in on my son's conversations as they're playing a video game - yes, TOGETHER! I know! I'm hoping they've forgotten I'm here. I can't remember when the last time was they played a game together, on the same 'team', and were so complimentary! I've heard so many 'good jobs!' and 'yessss!' and 'way to go!s' spoken to one another - it's almost like they were - *gasp* - FRIENDS!?! Usually I hear the hitting and sniping and insults and eventually the younger one throwing his controller, 'cuz he's not as good as the older one and then stomping upstairs in tears 'cuz he's mad. THIS is SOOO refreshing! Makes me all happy and glowy and tingly...

Hope it lasts...!

Creamed corn, anyone?

2007-04-12T19:00:00.000-05:00

I've seen this on some other blogs I read, and thought it could be fun. (And, I needed to post something!)

List five weird things about yourself. Ready? Go.

To be honest, I had a hard time coming up with things that aren't simply pet peeves. But, here goes...

1. Milk MUST be ICE. COLD. No leaving it out on the table for the length of a meal for me! The less time it's out of the fridge, the happier I am. I have a real problem with spoiled milk - blech!

2. I pop my joints - fingers, wrists, elbows, etc. But I can't do just one side. I have to do both.

3. I hate it when people say EYE-talian. Enough said.

4. I can't lay on my back without bending my right leg. It reminds me of someone laying in a coffin, and ever since I was a child, that right leg has managed to bend. As a result, I had really good turnout on the right side for the ballet section of dance class. (Left side, not so much...)

5. I dislike the number four. Don't ask me why - I simply don't know.

So there ya have it. Me in a NUTshell - lol! What's weird about you?

A new creation

2007-03-21T17:31:00.000-05:00

Today God has confirmed the end of your sufferings sorrows and pains because HE that sits on the throne has remembered you. He has taken away the hardships and given you JOY. He will never let you down.
I received this in an email message today. The sender's name isn't important, because the true sender was God. His hand has been on me all day today.
Allen and I have been trying to deal with 'stuff' from my past. It's not been easy, but he's been incredibly patient. But he's also been incredibly frustrated. Understandably so. Last night, he asked me if I truly believed I was a new creation in Christ or if it was just something I was paying lip service to. This question has been uppermost in my mind all day.
During some downtime today, I did a topical search on new creation. I was directed to the predictable verses about being a new creation, but I dug a little deeper, and was directed to different verses dealing with regeneration. Like this one I blogged about a while ago:
GOD, your God, will cut away the thick calluses on your heart and your
children's hearts, freeing you to love GOD, your God, with your whole heart and soul and live, really live.
And this one:
Now God has us where he wants us, with all the time in this world and the
next to shower grace and kindness upon us in Christ jesus. Saving is all
his idea, and all his work. All we do is trust him enough to let him do
it.
And a quote from a christian novel I'm reading (modified):
I know I don't have the power within myself to initiate or complete lasting
changes in my life. Only God can do that.
See what I mean? It's been like this ALL DAY. He's been challenging me: "Do you really accept that I will complete the good work I began in you? Do you believe I am committed to you?"

I'm starting to. I don't want this promise especially to be a minor part of some christian litany of promises. I want it to be real! I want so much to get rid of what has been causing me pain and fear and holding me back from what I really want. I WILL NOT let my past keep me in bondage any longer.

Elhoy Mikarov - God who is near, be near me now as I put my past behind me. Help me put it as far from me as you have put my sins from you. Be with Allen and me.

El Emet - God of truth, make your promises TRUTH to me. I want to hold unswervingly to your words.

Jehovah Shalom - Lord of peace, give me your peace and comfort. Give me courage and don't let me miss the love that my fear is hiding.

Jehovah Ropheka - Lord our healer, heal me. Heal my spirit, heal my mind. Free me.
Jehovah Shammah - Lord who is present, be real to me.
Amen

Sound the retreat!

2007-03-13T17:17:00.000-05:00

I thought the retreat went really well considering all that the enemy tried to pull to get us down. The lesson was very good, and sparked lots of discussion, and the object lessons written were well-played! I have to agree with Jeanna that Sunday's testimonies were probably one of the high points for me. In the past, Sunday had become sort of anti-climactic - the lesson was over, one more thing before we pack and leave - but anymore, Sunday mornings at the retreat have been amazing! He has really been evident!

I was thrilled to have some rookies join us this year. And no, we didn't haze them too badly - lol!

I thought the entire weekend was very encouraging, and I can't wait to see the changes that will come from it!

Wait - I thought it was Tuesday - not Monday

2007-03-06T14:08:00.000-06:00

Ever have one of those days...? Got up early, doin' the shower thing, everything's going great, Allen heads out to work - early (see? we're both doing well...!), get the kids up, pet the dog, pack for work - wait - back up - Tyler is in his room whining. *sigh* What's wrong? Headache & stomachache, and feels warm. I hear coughing - oh, good! It's not Tyler - um, er - it's Ryan - not good! Get them taken care of. Tyler goes back to bed, Ryan gets ready to head to school. I head out to work. THUMP thump thump thump...for the love - a flat tire?!!? NOT. COOL. Nurse the car back home. Call wonderful, sweet, beloved, heroic hubby at work. He comes home to change my tire - 'cuz he's AWESOME! Finds that my spare tire is also flat...

Anyway...I'm home with the sick ones (child and car) and I've got too much to do to be here. Our retreat is this weekend, and I've got shopping and packing and preparing to do. We leave Friday for a weekend of study, and prayer (and chocolate.) I'm really excited because we've got some rookies coming this year!

Tyler is feeling better. Temp's down and he's eating. Haven't checked the car. Gorgeous, forgiving, patient, handsome husband still loves me (whew)! Hopefully this evening will go better than this morning did...! LOL!

Dilemma

2007-02-28T21:43:00.000-06:00

So I've been at this job almost a year now, and I'm really enjoying it. Butcept...

Today I got an email from the 'home' office here in town, asking me to complete a performance self-evaluation. Ugh. First of all, isn't that supposed to be the job of my supervisor? How did she get off so easily, huh? Not. Fair.

Secondly, this darn thing is asking me to evaluate what I do. Like, am I a good leader? Do I follow directions well? Am I organized?

There are a handful of ratings to apply to myself and my performance. So, do I go for the one that makes me the perfect employee, and yet everyone will know that the ratings are a complete sham because NO ONE is THAT good? Or do I go for the more truthful and humble ratings?

I know that I should 'sell' myself at this evaluation, but I really struggle with doing that. For instance, one of my co-workers asked me to print something for him for some binders he was constructing, and I printed what he needed and then I completed the binders for him. No big deal. It's my job, after all. I am in the position of serving the people around me at work. He was thrilled that I did this for him and promised to send a positive memo to my superiors. I thanked him, but told him it wasn't necessary - I'm doing my job.

I'm really having a hard time with puffing myself up, when that's not how I feel I should be. Any advice?

Raise your hands...

2007-02-25T23:30:00.000-06:00

Allen asked me recently if I was ever going to blog again. I told him I wasn't sure. But, here I am again...

Today's message at church was very thought-provoking. Jarrod preached on the Israelites fighting the Amelekites, and how Aaron and Hur kept Moses' arms lifted for him when he couldn't do it himself. He talked about encouraging, and how these two men made things better for all of God's people by encouraging (or giving courage) to only one of God's people. The most moving part of the service was at the close of the message, when Jarrod asked us to get into groups of three, and have the person in the middle let their arms be held up by the other two while they prayed for the person in the middle. It was really amazing to see how many people were willing to get out of their little Sunday-church-this-is-my-pew-and-my-space-and-I-don't-need-to-interact-other-than-bland-generalities boxes, and let other people pray for them, touch them. Very inspiring. I've always considered myself somewhat encouraging, but it's made me really consider whether I am. I must admit that I definitely wasn't encouraging to my kids or my husband the rest of the day. Sorry, guys...

Regardless, thank you, Blogville, for encouraging me, and for lifting my arms when I couldn't.

Monday

2007-01-29T21:42:00.000-06:00

I got a call this evening, telling me that someone, a lady from church, passed away suddenly this weekend. I was shocked. Granted, she had not been in the best of health, but I never expected this! She was disabled to some degree, and had other physical challenges.

I called a few sisters that I knew were close to her, to check if they were handling the news okay. I mentioned to one that I didn't know her well, and that I really didn't have the opportunity to get to know her. I then corrected myself - yes, there was the opportunity. The chance to serve a sister in need, the chance to take her to church or to the store, the chance to send her a note, the chance to call and check on her.

I think that may be the most tragic thing: evidently no one knows how long she'd been dead before she was found. It could have been anytime between Thursday and Monday morning. I remember noticing her absence at church Sunday, and I was hoping she was feeling alright. But I didn't call. She had just joined us on the women's ministry servant group, and was very excited about the events we have planned.

I just feel bad, you know? I mean, I know where she is now, but what were her last moments like? Had she taken a fall? She was unable to get back up if she had. Was she frightened? Was it sudden, like a stroke or heart attack? Was she in pain? Did she cry out for help?

Please pray for her family.

I'm HOW old again?!?!?

2007-01-23T17:18:00.000-06:00

I really thought I wouldn't have a problem with my upcoming birthday - even though it's THE dreaded milestone one. And I don't think I will when it finally gets here. However, I AM having a problem with the idea that I have close friends old enough to be the mother of the bride. I spent a good number of years helping friends with their weddings: singing, decorating, even doing hair & make-up. But never helped their MOTHERS, if you know what I mean. I have a friend whose daughter got married at the end of December, and another one whose daughter will be married in May. When the heck did this development occur?! I don't feel old enough for this to have happened! I mean, did my mother's generation feel this way, too?! Too weird...

You know what they say: At your age, just go braless - it'll pull all the wrinkles out of your face...(just checking to see if anyone's still reading...lol!)

Sunday

2007-01-21T22:23:00.000-06:00

Finally! Something halfway decent about the no-longer-going-to-be-a-stuporbowl - Go Indy!

Today was my last Sunday singing with the praise team for awhile. I really tried to put aside my personal feelings about the day and the songs and (fill in the blank)...and just worship. I'll just say that I'm glad I'm taking next month off.

I took Friday off - not feeling well - and I'm not looking forward to going back tomorrow. I can't shake this headache for very long at all. It comes and goes in waves, it seems. Ugh.

Plans seem to be coming together for the retreat. I'm so blessed to be working with a great bunch of women! And I'm learning to delegate...lol!

...and then reality set in...

2007-01-17T16:45:00.000-06:00

So, yeah, Sunday was great. Monday, my coworker returned to work after two months, and I started feeling less confident about what I've been doing while she's been gone. Then Tuesday comes, and I blow it from the beginning of the day - lousy quiet time (my fault), so-so work day, practice (meh - again - my fault).

I hate it when Satan attacks so quickly! And so completely! In every area. Physically, spiritually, emotionally. Blech.

So, I'm home tonight, I'm about to put on my comfy flannel jammies, and watch AI - or something mindless, at least - just zoning out...if you need me, I'll be the lump under the blanket...

Sunday

2007-01-14T19:32:00.000-06:00

Whew - busy day today! Sang this morning (felt much better, by the way!) and had my first women's ministry servant group meeting this afternoon. The meeting went really well, I thought. We got some preliminary planning done for the retreat, and some groundwork laid for events throughout the rest of the year. People seemed really open to each other, as well as to the ideas I had. I feel really good about the start we've made, and can't wait to see where God leads us next!

So, back to this morning...I'm waiting up front for services to begin, when I notice someone I recognize in the back of the auditorium - it's Allen's sister! Unprompted! Hallelujah! I was so excited she was there! She told me that her work schedule had changed and she was now able to start attending church - yay! She also told someone else that she would try to get one of her sisters to come next week. I slipped out during the message and called Allen to let him know - he was so excited! Hopefully, this will become a regular thing!

And now...I'm going to go stitch and enjoy the solitude, and satisfaction of a good day!

Unworthy

2007-01-09T22:56:00.000-06:00

As I mentioned in my last post, I was considering taking a break from the praise team. Well, I've gone ahead and informed our worship leader (George, for those of you keeping score at home) that I'm taking a hiatus, at least for February.

I recently had a couple of very challenging conversations with some dear people. They called me higher in many areas, including my involvement in the praise team. I've heard two adjectives ascribed to me specifically, and they made quite an impact. I was told I looked bored, and that I am cynical. Guilty on both counts. On the way home tonight, I simply couldn't justify remaining on the PT until I get my head and heart together. I mean, is this how someone who is to be 'leading' worship should be described?!

I had expressed some of my concerns before this evening with another friend. I asked him how I was supposed to lead someone to worship when I hadn't approached the throne room myself. He offered that I could look at it two ways: one - that I shouldn't be 'leading'; or two - that I would make a better leader because I was seeking. Okay. But in which camp am I to pitch my tent?

One of my problems, in my opinion, is that I can't just flip a switch and be ready to worship. I need to take the time to truly prepare. Unfortunately, by the time I'm done with sound check and practice Sunday morning, I'm so focused on the technical aspects of singing that I forget why I'm there. It's the head stuff and not the heart stuff.

I've started tuning out on the drive into work these days - just being quiet in the car and talking to God. I've adopted a phrase that our youth pastor incorporates into his prayer during his sermon. He says something like "whether anyone else knows it God, You and I know that I am nothing without You." I really like that. And it's so true. I was praying that this morning, and it hit me that, yes, I am nothing. But to Him, I'm everything. Even if it saved only me, He would have still gone through it all. WHY can't I get through the 'stuff' and sing about THAT?! Or focus on the many blessings He's given me?! Or the fact that the Spirit is living in me?! Or...

I went back and read my blogs from right after Zoe. Whew - don't know where that person went off to! And the really bad thing is that I miss that person - I miss the progess I was making, the things I was feeling, the things He was showing me.

I know this is kind of rambling, and I apologize. It's late, and I've been wrestling with this stuff for awhile now.

Today I am thankful for friends willing to tell me the truth.

...and I'm back

2007-01-07T20:38:00.000-06:00

So, yeah, that whole internet thing - not working so much at our house for the last month - ugh.

Recap: (for the two people who care...lol!)
Christmas was good - I think everyone got what they wanted, or at least something they wanted.
I have decided to take on the women's ministry. The former leader passed the 'baton' to me today - a plastic bag of files dating back to 1998 - ack! I think I might be in over my head...
I may be taking a break from the praise team. Not sure yet.
Work is still going well - I actually have received some praise from co-workers - which is always nice, right?
My coworker/mentor is still out - she's been out since before Thanksgiving - but I think I'm handling the 500 or so people on my floor pretty well!

I do have some things I have been mulling over - I will try to get some semblance of order to my thoughts and get something worthwhile posted here very soon. Tonight I just wanted to send up a flare to let people know I haven't fallen off the face of the planet...

Have a good week!!

Struggles

2006-12-04T19:35:00.000-06:00

I'm struggling (toying?) with the idea of becoming head of the women's ministry at church. Okay, maybe not toying...but struggling, considering, praying about - yeah those all fit. I don't know if a) I'm ready for that kind of responsibility, b) I'm prepared for the time commitment - especially since Allen is working with the leadership of the men's ministry now, and I really want to encourage him in that, or c) if it's my Type A personality coming to the fore - i.e. I'll know stuff.

Do I really want to serve because of Him or because of me? I guess that's what it boils down to. Prayers ALWAYS appreciated...

Thanks, Blogville.

Yup.

2006-11-30T19:10:00.000-06:00

...pretty much sums up what's been going on around here...

Actually, that's not completely true. Been doing the work thing, the family thing, the church thing. I really did have some great blogging ideas, but my head is hurting pretty bad tonight, and naptime - er - the football game awaits!

We've had some unpleasant things happening in our family. Some serious (Allen's mom's heart, my uncle's Thanksgiving day stroke) and some not so serious (dryer conking out T-giving weekend) and I was starting to really get overwhelmed with the STUFF, you know? Then I realized that these aren't random acts of grumpitude, but attacks - again - by he-who-didn't-win. Allen and I have both recently taken on more responsibilities in our respective ministries, and somebody doesn't like it. Soooo...just need to keep our eyes on God and we'll make it through whatever comes our way.

By the way, a few posts ago I blogged about the young lady who was in a coma for no apparent reason. I'm sorry to say that BJ passed away November 17, 2006, after having a massive brain stem stroke. Earlier in the day, she had begun to show signs of awakening, but something happened, and her husband had to make that decision everyone dreads. If his posts are any indication of what's really going on, he seems to be doing okay under the circumstances.

Spellbound

2006-11-13T18:03:00.000-06:00

I have always had a gift for spelling – don’t know why, don’t know where it came from, but there ya go. Didn’t do the whole huge spelling bee thing butcept in fourth grade. I spelled down my elementary school, and came in fourth at the next level. In high school, I was in an honors English class all four years. Which means very little, except that I can’t diagram a sentence - we were doing “meaningful” things, like “litrachure” (read in a high brow, snotty tone) and writing our own books, and such. I do, however, have a certain comma thing that works pretty well for me. (Hang on; I really do have a point to this…!)

This ‘gift’ or whatever it is can be a blessing and a curse. A blessing because I am daily called upon to confirm spelling for people at work. A curse because I can’t see the forest for the trees.

If I’m asked to read something, I will begin with the best of intentions. I want to read what’s been written, I want to know the meaning behind the words, the heart of the writer. Unfortunately, the curse shows up, the red pen comes out (okay – not on the computer screen, people – it’s just a figure of speech!) and I lose the story because I’m too busy reading the words. You remember that scene in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off where they’re at the art museum and Cameron starts spacing out while looking at the pointillism picture? Yeah, that’s me.

I know that happens in my spiritual life, too. I get so caught up in the little things, that I miss the big things. Sometimes I’m too busy checking things off the list to realize the “why” behind the list’s existence. Same thing with singing - too worried about the technicalities of the music to hear the heart of the song.

Anyone else in this particular boat? How do we get out of it?

Blog

2006-11-07T16:52:00.000-06:00

I’ve been contemplating a blog. Trying to figure out what to write about and what to write about it. Wanting to write something meaningful, inspirational, humorous, whatever. Maybe even vent a little bit. I don’t know.

Today, I was perusing the cross-stitching blogs I read and through various links, found a new-to-me blog. Evidently, a young mother felt ill with flu-like symptoms on Halloween. She is now in a life and death struggle, with no apparent cause. The blog is now written by her husband, who is dealing with the very real possibility of losing his 29-year-old wife and becoming a single parent to his two children. In reading the grief and fear and worry he’s put out there, I sat at my desk and cried.

I don’t know this family from Tennessee. They don’t know me. More importantly, from what I gather, they don’t know Jesus. In fact, they have denied God for all of their adult lives. But now, he’s crying out to the Creator. Begging, pleading with the Great Physician to heal her, to strengthen him. He is acknowledging that there’s Something out there. He’s begun praying with his children, praying over his wife, trying to communicate his new faith-out-of-desperation to her.

He has been ending each blog entry by expressing his love for his wife. It’s overwhelming to read, nearly painful in its intensity. His words:

“I feel relief, and hope. Fatigue, numbness, headache too.
We just got back from visiting her, and she responded to me. She’s sedated, but not paralyzed, and as I talked to her she squeezed my hand. I have no doubt she was doing it to communicate. She did it a few times.
Guys, I’ve been an armchair athiest [sic] for years, and now I find myself the proverbial guy casting about for salvation in stormy waters. I think [she] sees
God. I think she squeezed my hand to tell me so. This is hard for an objective person like me to admit, but I think God is there and that she is being taken care of by it (he, her, it, whatever). If I were reading this a month ago, I’d think it’s the words of somebody in shock and grief and searching for any sign of any chance of a hope. I’d dismiss it. I can’t do it anymore. I sincerely believe that she is in the hands of a higher power, and that she is being protected, and that she will come back to us.”
"She never believed in an afterlife. I did, to an extent, but we never talked about it. I wish now that we had agreed on a place to meet, just in case.”

“I love you, BJ, so very, very, very much. You are the most precious thing. Sleep free from pain, sleep free from fear. The God that we denied for years is watching you and keeping you. Come back to me.”

…makes me kinda see the big picture…Please keep them in your prayers. And go hug someone you love.

Random...

2006-10-31T20:16:00.000-06:00

Verifiable randomness – just ‘cuz it’s my blog and I can…

When will my children be old enough to NOT go out on Halloween? So I’m still waiting for the “I’m too old to go, mom” speech – although with the prospect of FREE and CANDY involved, I’ll probably not hear it for quite a while, yet.
____________________________
So can I count it as healthy if what I eat for lunch comes from the same row as something marked with the little “sort of nutritious for all that it comes from a vending machine, so this is the best we can do” sticker?
_____________________________
Just this morning, I called my sons at home after I got to work:

DS1: “Whassup, mom?”
Me: “Hi. You need to turn off the light in the garage, please.”
DS1: “It’s still on?”
Me: “Yes, or else I wouldn’t be calling you.”
DS1 “I didn’t turn it off?”
Me: (becoming slightly irritated) “No, please do it now.”
DS1: (evidently MORE than puzzled) “Are you home?”
…for the love…
________________________________
I told Allen that I wasn’t going to sign us up to attend my company’s “Winter Celebration” party (can’t even call it a holiday party, let alone a Christmas party!) From his comments when I first mentioned the party, I assumed that we wouldn’t be going. It also happens to fall on the same day as the cookie exchange I’m heading up at church. So I told him we weren’t going to go. He looked at me and said, “But we know everybody at church already…” We’re going…could be fun…
______________________________________
I find it very intriguing that, although I work at a BIC (Big Insurance Company – an acronym I learned today from a fellow external associate whose company employees are not allowed to state where they actually go to work each day) and the place is very Dilbert-esque (many mazelike aisles and identical, anonymous cubes) it amazes me what people will do to make their cubicle their own. Inflatable, tropical fish hanging from the ceiling; pictures of just about everything you can imagine – from Chihuahuas to Harleys and everything in between; seasonal decorations (including one foreign gentlemen who has had a Thanksgiving turkey on display since my first day here six months ago); voodoo dolls (‘nuff said); lovely paintings; toys – LOTS of toys – it runs the gamut…No matter how hard the borg tries to spit out identical automatons, we won’t be forced into that mold…

Tuesday thoughts

2006-10-24T16:51:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I’m starting to stress myself out about these stupid angels! My wrist has been hurting, so I’ve taken a few days off, but I’m feeling a huge time crunch. Allen has told me he won’t let me fall too far behind, for which I’m very grateful. Ugh.

My fantasy football record is now blemished. Tarnished, even. As my dear husband told me after my loss to him yesterday, “You’re not undefeated anymore – you’re ‘one’-defeated!” Great. Thanks. My record is still better than his, though – mwahahaha!

Still working through some of the garbage that has come spewing out of my psyche. I’m vacillating, unfortunately, between anger/resentment/bitterness and - well, that’s actually about it. And if I remember my definitions correctly, I can’t vacillate between one thing, can I?

And to top it off, my husband just HUNG. UP. ON. ME. Nice… “Accident” my left foot! I may have been born at night, butcept it wasn’t LAST night…

*sigh*

On a more positive note, I have really enjoyed the scenery around here recently. I just love the colors of the trees – makes me appreciate where I live, and the fact that we have seasons! It always amazes me to think that those colors are there all year long, but we just don’t see them. Some trees look like their lit from within – gorgeous! We have a big old sugar maple in the front yard that is just so colorful in the autumn (that’s for you, Skip!) I know that sometime very soon, though, we’ll get a few days of cold rainy weather, and that will be the end of the leaves…

I really didn’t mean this post to be a downer, and I’m not down myself! Sorry – hey! Go out and make it a GREAT DAY!!!

(…62 more days…)

New day

2006-10-17T17:39:00.000-05:00

I’m afraid the high that I got at Zoe is fading fast. I was hoping that it would last – I hope that every year. Church yesterday was good, but, well, you know…Allen had a good message for communion, and the worship was great, but I just wasn’t feeling it like I felt that I should. I don’t know if it was because I’m not quite feeling myself, or I’m tired, or distracted, or just life – you know? Maybe it’s because Saturday wasn’t quite what we had envisioned, or that I’m in some physical discomfort because of my back problems, or that I had yet another run-in with my elder. All I know is that satan is being a bit more sneaky this time in trying to get me down from the mountain. Singing this Sunday with the praise team may help…

I am looking forward to seeing some old friends this weekend - can't wait, actually! It's been awhile since they moved out of state, and I have missed them terribly - didn't realize quite how much til I heard they were coming back for a visit.

I feel like I’ve dumped so much out here in Blogville this last week or so that I need to lighten up a bit. Hence the “Baroo?” post of Friday. I think I need to step back a bit and think some things through before getting all deep and stuff again. Although I must say thanks for all the positive feedback and prayers...

BTW - on jury duty this week - ack!

An explanation...

2006-10-13T17:20:00.000-05:00

A couple of days ago, I used the word 'baroo' in my post and asked you to picture a puppy with its head cocked to the side. This was the inspiration for that definition. Its also the feeling I was going for...you know, kind of a whimsical perkiness, yet questioning and perhaps slightly confused, too...

(Thanks, Cuteoverload.com!)

What is enough?

2006-10-12T16:50:00.000-05:00

A couple more tough questions from Rhonda Lowery:

Am I completely in love with Christ? What if I got to heaven, after having lived my life in anticipation of heaven and the reunions that would take place, and Christ was the only person there? Would that be enough?

Obviously, the answer to the second part is yes, right? I mean, come on! When she asked that particular part, I thought “Score! I’ve got this one!” But the first part is a bit tougher. Am I COMPLETELY in love with Him? Can I abandon myself in worship of Him? Is He truly enough? The answer to that question may have an impact on the answer to the second question.

I confess that as a child, I think I turned to Jesus out of a sense of fear and self-preservation. I didn’t want to go to hell. Understandable. As I matured, and studied, my reason has changed. Yes, fear of hell is a legitimate reason, but it can’t be the only reason. The more I studied, the more I learned about God and His love and sacrifice.

One of my favorite songs is by Third Day – Love Song is an oldie but a goodie. I can’t listen to it without crying, though. The line in the bridge that says “and I promise I would do it all again” gets me every time, because I’ve learned it’s true. He would go through it all again, even if it was for only me. Thank You, Lord.

Vespers

2006-10-11T16:53:00.000-05:00

Vespers Friday night was so tough for me. There were four stations around the room. Three were interactive areas and the fourth was an area for anointing and prayer. One of the interactive areas was for forgiveness. You were to write the name of someone who has hurt you, or you have hurt, and to symbolically release the pain and anger by dropping the paper into a box of some sort.

I was initially prepared to sit and enjoy the music. Jesus had other plans.

My relationship with my mother is, for all intents and purposes, non-existent. When I was in college, she told me that if were to date Allen or anyone ‘similar’ (what a colorless euphemism!) that I would be choosing between that person and my family. I have to give her credit – she has stuck to her guns. I am an only child, though. If there’s not a relationship with me, she doesn’t have another child to turn to. These are her only grandkids. She is certainly cutting off her nose to spite her face. I called her the day after Allen and I got engaged. That didn’t go well, as you can imagine. The next (and last) time I spoke to her was when I called her the day after Tyler was born – I figured what the heck – I’m already on pain meds! I send her cards on appropriate occasions, and I send her pictures of the boys. However, I don’t write notes in the cards anymore after I mentioned in one that her new house was nice. She viciously accused my grandmother of letting me into the house when my mother was out of town. I quickly wrote my mother and assured her that I had only driven by the house. Sheesh.

A few years ago, I felt led to write to her. I asked her if she missed me. I also told her that I wasn’t going to change things – such as my church, Allen, etc. She didn’t take that too well. She did, however, suggest that perhaps if we saw a counselor – of her choosing – that we might be able to work something out. However, she wanted us to agree to abide by certain boundaries, as in “if either one of us feels that they are as close as they want to get, then we need to agree to stop and deal with the relationship as it is at that point.” This is MY MOTHER, for the love…! I just kind of shut down after that.

Allen has been so incredibly patient throughout the drama that is my family. He wasn’t when we first started dating, and really pushed hard for some sort of confrontation. After we got back together a year later, he was much more understanding and hasn’t pushed me. Although, every anniversary he does want to send her a note: “Na na na na na na – we’re still together even though you didn’t think we’d make it!”

I confessed at the women’s retreat this year that I have held onto the garbage from this relationship far too long, because if I let it go, there wouldn’t be anything ‘unique’ about me anymore. I know, I know. I know the words. I just didn’t feel special because of anything else.

As I sat during the Vespers service, I realized how tired I was. Tired of holding on to the pain, the resentment, the anger. Tired of making jokes about Allen’s ‘good luck’ with in-laws, tired of playing off mother’s day, tired of pretending it doesn’t matter. Two of my traveling companions had been talking about how when they start crying it’s often hard to stop. Yeah. I know. The tears flowed. And flowed. And flowed some more. I didn’t physically go to the ‘forgiveness’ station. I just sat and sobbed. I wanted to be refreshed and anointed. But I felt so ugly and unworthy. I told Him that but He told me it was okay, and to go forward. I took the long way around the room. My observation was that the process went something like 1) anoint, 2) pray, 3) hug. When I got there, well, my process turned into 1) hug, 2) hug, 3) hug, 4) pray, 5) anoint, 6) pray, 7) hug.

I’ve talked to Allen about this since I’ve been home. I don’t think reconciliation is where I’m being led. I don’t know if that will ever happen. I think ‘surrender’ may be a better word. I will try to start praying for her again. It’s been a long while. I’ve finally let Jesus see the blackest, darkest area in my heart – that spot I’ve been holding on to for fourteen years. I know He’ll take care of it the way He wants. I know He was sitting next to me, holding me while I cried and prayed that evening. I know He held my hand as I walked the long way around the room. I know He’s with me now as my tears are flowing again. And I’m so grateful.

Random Tho'ts

Patience

Everything old is new again

Monday

Another post!

Anybody out there?

Just checking in...

Well, NOW I'm in trouble...!

To my sweetie:

...and it's over

News

Happy St Patrick's Day

Back to the hospital

Feb. 22

A Possible Break

Spoke too soon

Sunday

Post-consultation

Sunday

Prayers, please

Happy Decumary!

Dilemma

Just a shame!

Happy Thanksgiving!

November 11, 2008

Not to panic anyone, but...

I'm still here...

Some things never change...

Hurricanes

Happy Blogaversary!

Think outside the box

Humility

Really???

Monday

...and then I read this...

Little Orphan...Me

moving on

...

Ugh...

Semantics

Goin' to Kansas City...

Monday Monday

'Scuse me - those are my toes you're stepping on...

This weekend...

A new anthem?

Update

Hi!

Long time no blog

Post holiday, part 2

Brand new...

Post-holiday...

Mojo risin' (not)

Catching up

Duh...

What?

Testing...1...2...3...

Shhhh!

15 + 1

I still do...

Just get over it already!

Blessed

13

Tuesday

On being like a teenager...

It's Here!

Categories

Georgia on my mind

Recap

An update

My Aunt

Today's the *gulp* day...

Hospitality

Monday

Question #2

Question...

Miscellania

Tingly-feeling

Creamed corn, anyone?

A new creation

Sound the retreat!

Today's the gulp day...