Dilemma

So I've been at this job almost a year now, and I'm really enjoying it. Butcept...

Today I got an email from the 'home' office here in town, asking me to complete a performance self-evaluation. Ugh. First of all, isn't that supposed to be the job of my supervisor? How did she get off so easily, huh? Not. Fair.

Secondly, this darn thing is asking me to evaluate what I do. Like, am I a good leader? Do I follow directions well? Am I organized?

There are a handful of ratings to apply to myself and my performance. So, do I go for the one that makes me the perfect employee, and yet everyone will know that the ratings are a complete sham because NO ONE is THAT good? Or do I go for the more truthful and humble ratings?

I know that I should 'sell' myself at this evaluation, but I really struggle with doing that. For instance, one of my co-workers asked me to print something for him for some binders he was constructing, and I printed what he needed and then I completed the binders for him. No big deal. It's my job, after all. I am in the position of serving the people around me at work. He was thrilled that I did this for him and promised to send a positive memo to my superiors. I thanked him, but told him it wasn't necessary - I'm doing my job.

I'm really having a hard time with puffing myself up, when that's not how I feel I should be. Any advice?

Raise your hands...

Allen asked me recently if I was ever going to blog again. I told him I wasn't sure. But, here I am again...

Today's message at church was very thought-provoking. Jarrod preached on the Israelites fighting the Amelekites, and how Aaron and Hur kept Moses' arms lifted for him when he couldn't do it himself. He talked about encouraging, and how these two men made things better for all of God's people by encouraging (or giving courage) to only one of God's people. The most moving part of the service was at the close of the message, when Jarrod asked us to get into groups of three, and have the person in the middle let their arms be held up by the other two while they prayed for the person in the middle. It was really amazing to see how many people were willing to get out of their little Sunday-church-this-is-my-pew-and-my-space-and-I-don't-need-to-interact-other-than-bland-generalities boxes, and let other people pray for them, touch them. Very inspiring. I've always considered myself somewhat encouraging, but it's made me really consider whether I am. I must admit that I definitely wasn't encouraging to my kids or my husband the rest of the day. Sorry, guys...

Regardless, thank you, Blogville, for encouraging me, and for lifting my arms when I couldn't.

Monday

I got a call this evening, telling me that someone, a lady from church, passed away suddenly this weekend. I was shocked. Granted, she had not been in the best of health, but I never expected this! She was disabled to some degree, and had other physical challenges.

I called a few sisters that I knew were close to her, to check if they were handling the news okay. I mentioned to one that I didn't know her well, and that I really didn't have the opportunity to get to know her. I then corrected myself - yes, there was the opportunity. The chance to serve a sister in need, the chance to take her to church or to the store, the chance to send her a note, the chance to call and check on her.

I think that may be the most tragic thing: evidently no one knows how long she'd been dead before she was found. It could have been anytime between Thursday and Monday morning. I remember noticing her absence at church Sunday, and I was hoping she was feeling alright. But I didn't call. She had just joined us on the women's ministry servant group, and was very excited about the events we have planned.

I just feel bad, you know? I mean, I know where she is now, but what were her last moments like? Had she taken a fall? She was unable to get back up if she had. Was she frightened? Was it sudden, like a stroke or heart attack? Was she in pain? Did she cry out for help?

Please pray for her family.

I'm HOW old again?!?!?

I really thought I wouldn't have a problem with my upcoming birthday - even though it's THE dreaded milestone one. And I don't think I will when it finally gets here. However, I AM having a problem with the idea that I have close friends old enough to be the mother of the bride. I spent a good number of years helping friends with their weddings: singing, decorating, even doing hair & make-up. But never helped their MOTHERS, if you know what I mean. I have a friend whose daughter got married at the end of December, and another one whose daughter will be married in May. When the heck did this development occur?! I don't feel old enough for this to have happened! I mean, did my mother's generation feel this way, too?! Too weird...

You know what they say: At your age, just go braless - it'll pull all the wrinkles out of your face...(just checking to see if anyone's still reading...lol!)

Sunday

Finally! Something halfway decent about the no-longer-going-to-be-a-stuporbowl - Go Indy!

Today was my last Sunday singing with the praise team for awhile. I really tried to put aside my personal feelings about the day and the songs and (fill in the blank)...and just worship. I'll just say that I'm glad I'm taking next month off.

I took Friday off - not feeling well - and I'm not looking forward to going back tomorrow. I can't shake this headache for very long at all. It comes and goes in waves, it seems. Ugh.

Plans seem to be coming together for the retreat. I'm so blessed to be working with a great bunch of women! And I'm learning to delegate...lol!

...and then reality set in...

So, yeah, Sunday was great. Monday, my coworker returned to work after two months, and I started feeling less confident about what I've been doing while she's been gone. Then Tuesday comes, and I blow it from the beginning of the day - lousy quiet time (my fault), so-so work day, practice (meh - again - my fault).

I hate it when Satan attacks so quickly! And so completely! In every area. Physically, spiritually, emotionally. Blech.

So, I'm home tonight, I'm about to put on my comfy flannel jammies, and watch AI - or something mindless, at least - just zoning out...if you need me, I'll be the lump under the blanket...

Sunday

Whew - busy day today! Sang this morning (felt much better, by the way!) and had my first women's ministry servant group meeting this afternoon. The meeting went really well, I thought. We got some preliminary planning done for the retreat, and some groundwork laid for events throughout the rest of the year. People seemed really open to each other, as well as to the ideas I had. I feel really good about the start we've made, and can't wait to see where God leads us next!

So, back to this morning...I'm waiting up front for services to begin, when I notice someone I recognize in the back of the auditorium - it's Allen's sister! Unprompted! Hallelujah! I was so excited she was there! She told me that her work schedule had changed and she was now able to start attending church - yay! She also told someone else that she would try to get one of her sisters to come next week. I slipped out during the message and called Allen to let him know - he was so excited! Hopefully, this will become a regular thing!

And now...I'm going to go stitch and enjoy the solitude, and satisfaction of a good day!

Unworthy

As I mentioned in my last post, I was considering taking a break from the praise team. Well, I've gone ahead and informed our worship leader (George, for those of you keeping score at home) that I'm taking a hiatus, at least for February.

I recently had a couple of very challenging conversations with some dear people. They called me higher in many areas, including my involvement in the praise team. I've heard two adjectives ascribed to me specifically, and they made quite an impact. I was told I looked bored, and that I am cynical. Guilty on both counts. On the way home tonight, I simply couldn't justify remaining on the PT until I get my head and heart together. I mean, is this how someone who is to be 'leading' worship should be described?!

I had expressed some of my concerns before this evening with another friend. I asked him how I was supposed to lead someone to worship when I hadn't approached the throne room myself. He offered that I could look at it two ways: one - that I shouldn't be 'leading'; or two - that I would make a better leader because I was seeking. Okay. But in which camp am I to pitch my tent?

One of my problems, in my opinion, is that I can't just flip a switch and be ready to worship. I need to take the time to truly prepare. Unfortunately, by the time I'm done with sound check and practice Sunday morning, I'm so focused on the technical aspects of singing that I forget why I'm there. It's the head stuff and not the heart stuff.

I've started tuning out on the drive into work these days - just being quiet in the car and talking to God. I've adopted a phrase that our youth pastor incorporates into his prayer during his sermon. He says something like "whether anyone else knows it God, You and I know that I am nothing without You." I really like that. And it's so true. I was praying that this morning, and it hit me that, yes, I am nothing. But to Him, I'm everything. Even if it saved only me, He would have still gone through it all. WHY can't I get through the 'stuff' and sing about THAT?! Or focus on the many blessings He's given me?! Or the fact that the Spirit is living in me?! Or...

I went back and read my blogs from right after Zoe. Whew - don't know where that person went off to! And the really bad thing is that I miss that person - I miss the progess I was making, the things I was feeling, the things He was showing me.

I know this is kind of rambling, and I apologize. It's late, and I've been wrestling with this stuff for awhile now.

Today I am thankful for friends willing to tell me the truth.

...and I'm back

So, yeah, that whole internet thing - not working so much at our house for the last month - ugh.

Recap: (for the two people who care...lol!)
Christmas was good - I think everyone got what they wanted, or at least something they wanted.
I have decided to take on the women's ministry. The former leader passed the 'baton' to me today - a plastic bag of files dating back to 1998 - ack! I think I might be in over my head...
I may be taking a break from the praise team. Not sure yet.
Work is still going well - I actually have received some praise from co-workers - which is always nice, right?
My coworker/mentor is still out - she's been out since before Thanksgiving - but I think I'm handling the 500 or so people on my floor pretty well!

I do have some things I have been mulling over - I will try to get some semblance of order to my thoughts and get something worthwhile posted here very soon. Tonight I just wanted to send up a flare to let people know I haven't fallen off the face of the planet...

Have a good week!!

Struggles

I'm struggling (toying?) with the idea of becoming head of the women's ministry at church. Okay, maybe not toying...but struggling, considering, praying about - yeah those all fit. I don't know if a) I'm ready for that kind of responsibility, b) I'm prepared for the time commitment - especially since Allen is working with the leadership of the men's ministry now, and I really want to encourage him in that, or c) if it's my Type A personality coming to the fore - i.e. I'll know stuff.

Do I really want to serve because of Him or because of me? I guess that's what it boils down to. Prayers ALWAYS appreciated...

Thanks, Blogville.

Yup.

...pretty much sums up what's been going on around here...

Actually, that's not completely true. Been doing the work thing, the family thing, the church thing. I really did have some great blogging ideas, but my head is hurting pretty bad tonight, and naptime - er - the football game awaits!

We've had some unpleasant things happening in our family. Some serious (Allen's mom's heart, my uncle's Thanksgiving day stroke) and some not so serious (dryer conking out T-giving weekend) and I was starting to really get overwhelmed with the STUFF, you know? Then I realized that these aren't random acts of grumpitude, but attacks - again - by he-who-didn't-win. Allen and I have both recently taken on more responsibilities in our respective ministries, and somebody doesn't like it. Soooo...just need to keep our eyes on God and we'll make it through whatever comes our way.

By the way, a few posts ago I blogged about the young lady who was in a coma for no apparent reason. I'm sorry to say that BJ passed away November 17, 2006, after having a massive brain stem stroke. Earlier in the day, she had begun to show signs of awakening, but something happened, and her husband had to make that decision everyone dreads. If his posts are any indication of what's really going on, he seems to be doing okay under the circumstances.

Spellbound

I have always had a gift for spelling – don’t know why, don’t know where it came from, but there ya go. Didn’t do the whole huge spelling bee thing butcept in fourth grade. I spelled down my elementary school, and came in fourth at the next level. In high school, I was in an honors English class all four years. Which means very little, except that I can’t diagram a sentence - we were doing “meaningful” things, like “litrachure” (read in a high brow, snotty tone) and writing our own books, and such. I do, however, have a certain comma thing that works pretty well for me. (Hang on; I really do have a point to this…!)

This ‘gift’ or whatever it is can be a blessing and a curse. A blessing because I am daily called upon to confirm spelling for people at work. A curse because I can’t see the forest for the trees.

If I’m asked to read something, I will begin with the best of intentions. I want to read what’s been written, I want to know the meaning behind the words, the heart of the writer. Unfortunately, the curse shows up, the red pen comes out (okay – not on the computer screen, people – it’s just a figure of speech!) and I lose the story because I’m too busy reading the words. You remember that scene in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off where they’re at the art museum and Cameron starts spacing out while looking at the pointillism picture? Yeah, that’s me.

I know that happens in my spiritual life, too. I get so caught up in the little things, that I miss the big things. Sometimes I’m too busy checking things off the list to realize the “why” behind the list’s existence. Same thing with singing - too worried about the technicalities of the music to hear the heart of the song.

Anyone else in this particular boat? How do we get out of it?

Blog

I’ve been contemplating a blog. Trying to figure out what to write about and what to write about it. Wanting to write something meaningful, inspirational, humorous, whatever. Maybe even vent a little bit. I don’t know.

Today, I was perusing the cross-stitching blogs I read and through various links, found a new-to-me blog. Evidently, a young mother felt ill with flu-like symptoms on Halloween. She is now in a life and death struggle, with no apparent cause. The blog is now written by her husband, who is dealing with the very real possibility of losing his 29-year-old wife and becoming a single parent to his two children. In reading the grief and fear and worry he’s put out there, I sat at my desk and cried.

I don’t know this family from Tennessee. They don’t know me. More importantly, from what I gather, they don’t know Jesus. In fact, they have denied God for all of their adult lives. But now, he’s crying out to the Creator. Begging, pleading with the Great Physician to heal her, to strengthen him. He is acknowledging that there’s Something out there. He’s begun praying with his children, praying over his wife, trying to communicate his new faith-out-of-desperation to her.

He has been ending each blog entry by expressing his love for his wife. It’s overwhelming to read, nearly painful in its intensity. His words:

“I feel relief, and hope. Fatigue, numbness, headache too.
We just got back from visiting her, and she responded to me. She’s sedated, but not paralyzed, and as I talked to her she squeezed my hand. I have no doubt she was doing it to communicate. She did it a few times.
Guys, I’ve been an armchair athiest [sic] for years, and now I find myself the proverbial guy casting about for salvation in stormy waters. I think [she] sees
God. I think she squeezed my hand to tell me so. This is hard for an objective person like me to admit, but I think God is there and that she is being taken care of by it (he, her, it, whatever). If I were reading this a month ago, I’d think it’s the words of somebody in shock and grief and searching for any sign of any chance of a hope. I’d dismiss it. I can’t do it anymore. I sincerely believe that she is in the hands of a higher power, and that she is being protected, and that she will come back to us.”

"She never believed in an afterlife. I did, to an extent, but we never talked about it. I wish now that we had agreed on a place to meet, just in case.”

“I love you, BJ, so very, very, very much. You are the most precious thing. Sleep free from pain, sleep free from fear. The God that we denied for years is watching you and keeping you. Come back to me.”

…makes me kinda see the big picture…Please keep them in your prayers. And go hug someone you love.

Random...

Verifiable randomness – just ‘cuz it’s my blog and I can…

When will my children be old enough to NOT go out on Halloween? So I’m still waiting for the “I’m too old to go, mom” speech – although with the prospect of FREE and CANDY involved, I’ll probably not hear it for quite a while, yet.
____________________________
So can I count it as healthy if what I eat for lunch comes from the same row as something marked with the little “sort of nutritious for all that it comes from a vending machine, so this is the best we can do” sticker?
_____________________________
Just this morning, I called my sons at home after I got to work:

DS1: “Whassup, mom?”
Me: “Hi. You need to turn off the light in the garage, please.”
DS1: “It’s still on?”
Me: “Yes, or else I wouldn’t be calling you.”
DS1 “I didn’t turn it off?”
Me: (becoming slightly irritated) “No, please do it now.”
DS1: (evidently MORE than puzzled) “Are you home?”
…for the love…
________________________________
I told Allen that I wasn’t going to sign us up to attend my company’s “Winter Celebration” party (can’t even call it a holiday party, let alone a Christmas party!) From his comments when I first mentioned the party, I assumed that we wouldn’t be going. It also happens to fall on the same day as the cookie exchange I’m heading up at church. So I told him we weren’t going to go. He looked at me and said, “But we know everybody at church already…” We’re going…could be fun…
______________________________________
I find it very intriguing that, although I work at a BIC (Big Insurance Company – an acronym I learned today from a fellow external associate whose company employees are not allowed to state where they actually go to work each day) and the place is very Dilbert-esque (many mazelike aisles and identical, anonymous cubes) it amazes me what people will do to make their cubicle their own. Inflatable, tropical fish hanging from the ceiling; pictures of just about everything you can imagine – from Chihuahuas to Harleys and everything in between; seasonal decorations (including one foreign gentlemen who has had a Thanksgiving turkey on display since my first day here six months ago); voodoo dolls (‘nuff said); lovely paintings; toys – LOTS of toys – it runs the gamut…No matter how hard the borg tries to spit out identical automatons, we won’t be forced into that mold…

Tuesday thoughts

Okay, so I’m starting to stress myself out about these stupid angels! My wrist has been hurting, so I’ve taken a few days off, but I’m feeling a huge time crunch. Allen has told me he won’t let me fall too far behind, for which I’m very grateful. Ugh.

My fantasy football record is now blemished. Tarnished, even. As my dear husband told me after my loss to him yesterday, “You’re not undefeated anymore – you’re ‘one’-defeated!” Great. Thanks. My record is still better than his, though – mwahahaha!

Still working through some of the garbage that has come spewing out of my psyche. I’m vacillating, unfortunately, between anger/resentment/bitterness and - well, that’s actually about it. And if I remember my definitions correctly, I can’t vacillate between one thing, can I?

And to top it off, my husband just HUNG. UP. ON. ME. Nice… “Accident” my left foot! I may have been born at night, butcept it wasn’t LAST night…

*sigh*

On a more positive note, I have really enjoyed the scenery around here recently. I just love the colors of the trees – makes me appreciate where I live, and the fact that we have seasons! It always amazes me to think that those colors are there all year long, but we just don’t see them. Some trees look like their lit from within – gorgeous! We have a big old sugar maple in the front yard that is just so colorful in the autumn (that’s for you, Skip!) I know that sometime very soon, though, we’ll get a few days of cold rainy weather, and that will be the end of the leaves…

I really didn’t mean this post to be a downer, and I’m not down myself! Sorry – hey! Go out and make it a GREAT DAY!!!

(…62 more days…)

New day

I’m afraid the high that I got at Zoe is fading fast. I was hoping that it would last – I hope that every year. Church yesterday was good, but, well, you know…Allen had a good message for communion, and the worship was great, but I just wasn’t feeling it like I felt that I should. I don’t know if it was because I’m not quite feeling myself, or I’m tired, or distracted, or just life – you know? Maybe it’s because Saturday wasn’t quite what we had envisioned, or that I’m in some physical discomfort because of my back problems, or that I had yet another run-in with my elder. All I know is that satan is being a bit more sneaky this time in trying to get me down from the mountain. Singing this Sunday with the praise team may help…

I am looking forward to seeing some old friends this weekend - can't wait, actually! It's been awhile since they moved out of state, and I have missed them terribly - didn't realize quite how much til I heard they were coming back for a visit.

I feel like I’ve dumped so much out here in Blogville this last week or so that I need to lighten up a bit. Hence the “Baroo?” post of Friday. I think I need to step back a bit and think some things through before getting all deep and stuff again. Although I must say thanks for all the positive feedback and prayers...

BTW - on jury duty this week - ack!

An explanation...

A couple of days ago, I used the word 'baroo' in my post and asked you to picture a puppy with its head cocked to the side. This was the inspiration for that definition. Its also the feeling I was going for...you know, kind of a whimsical perkiness, yet questioning and perhaps slightly confused, too...

(Thanks, Cuteoverload.com!)

What is enough?

A couple more tough questions from Rhonda Lowery:

Am I completely in love with Christ? What if I got to heaven, after having lived my life in anticipation of heaven and the reunions that would take place, and Christ was the only person there? Would that be enough?

Obviously, the answer to the second part is yes, right? I mean, come on! When she asked that particular part, I thought “Score! I’ve got this one!” But the first part is a bit tougher. Am I COMPLETELY in love with Him? Can I abandon myself in worship of Him? Is He truly enough? The answer to that question may have an impact on the answer to the second question.

I confess that as a child, I think I turned to Jesus out of a sense of fear and self-preservation. I didn’t want to go to hell. Understandable. As I matured, and studied, my reason has changed. Yes, fear of hell is a legitimate reason, but it can’t be the only reason. The more I studied, the more I learned about God and His love and sacrifice.

One of my favorite songs is by Third Day – Love Song is an oldie but a goodie. I can’t listen to it without crying, though. The line in the bridge that says “and I promise I would do it all again” gets me every time, because I’ve learned it’s true. He would go through it all again, even if it was for only me. Thank You, Lord.

Vespers

Vespers Friday night was so tough for me. There were four stations around the room. Three were interactive areas and the fourth was an area for anointing and prayer. One of the interactive areas was for forgiveness. You were to write the name of someone who has hurt you, or you have hurt, and to symbolically release the pain and anger by dropping the paper into a box of some sort.

I was initially prepared to sit and enjoy the music. Jesus had other plans.

My relationship with my mother is, for all intents and purposes, non-existent. When I was in college, she told me that if were to date Allen or anyone ‘similar’ (what a colorless euphemism!) that I would be choosing between that person and my family. I have to give her credit – she has stuck to her guns. I am an only child, though. If there’s not a relationship with me, she doesn’t have another child to turn to. These are her only grandkids. She is certainly cutting off her nose to spite her face. I called her the day after Allen and I got engaged. That didn’t go well, as you can imagine. The next (and last) time I spoke to her was when I called her the day after Tyler was born – I figured what the heck – I’m already on pain meds! I send her cards on appropriate occasions, and I send her pictures of the boys. However, I don’t write notes in the cards anymore after I mentioned in one that her new house was nice. She viciously accused my grandmother of letting me into the house when my mother was out of town. I quickly wrote my mother and assured her that I had only driven by the house. Sheesh.

A few years ago, I felt led to write to her. I asked her if she missed me. I also told her that I wasn’t going to change things – such as my church, Allen, etc. She didn’t take that too well. She did, however, suggest that perhaps if we saw a counselor – of her choosing – that we might be able to work something out. However, she wanted us to agree to abide by certain boundaries, as in “if either one of us feels that they are as close as they want to get, then we need to agree to stop and deal with the relationship as it is at that point.” This is MY MOTHER, for the love…! I just kind of shut down after that.

Allen has been so incredibly patient throughout the drama that is my family. He wasn’t when we first started dating, and really pushed hard for some sort of confrontation. After we got back together a year later, he was much more understanding and hasn’t pushed me. Although, every anniversary he does want to send her a note: “Na na na na na na – we’re still together even though you didn’t think we’d make it!”

I confessed at the women’s retreat this year that I have held onto the garbage from this relationship far too long, because if I let it go, there wouldn’t be anything ‘unique’ about me anymore. I know, I know. I know the words. I just didn’t feel special because of anything else.

As I sat during the Vespers service, I realized how tired I was. Tired of holding on to the pain, the resentment, the anger. Tired of making jokes about Allen’s ‘good luck’ with in-laws, tired of playing off mother’s day, tired of pretending it doesn’t matter. Two of my traveling companions had been talking about how when they start crying it’s often hard to stop. Yeah. I know. The tears flowed. And flowed. And flowed some more. I didn’t physically go to the ‘forgiveness’ station. I just sat and sobbed. I wanted to be refreshed and anointed. But I felt so ugly and unworthy. I told Him that but He told me it was okay, and to go forward. I took the long way around the room. My observation was that the process went something like 1) anoint, 2) pray, 3) hug. When I got there, well, my process turned into 1) hug, 2) hug, 3) hug, 4) pray, 5) anoint, 6) pray, 7) hug.

I’ve talked to Allen about this since I’ve been home. I don’t think reconciliation is where I’m being led. I don’t know if that will ever happen. I think ‘surrender’ may be a better word. I will try to start praying for her again. It’s been a long while. I’ve finally let Jesus see the blackest, darkest area in my heart – that spot I’ve been holding on to for fourteen years. I know He’ll take care of it the way He wants. I know He was sitting next to me, holding me while I cried and prayed that evening. I know He held my hand as I walked the long way around the room. I know He’s with me now as my tears are flowing again. And I’m so grateful.

Post Post Zoe Post

In reading other Zoe attendee’s blogs, I’ve noticed that this year didn’t produce that amazing high like in years past. Well, for me either. Don’t get me wrong – it was incredible and powerful – but I think this year was very tough on everyone.

In my last post, I mentioned some self-examination that I was forced – and no, I don’t think that’s too strong of a word choice – to do. I wasn’t forced by a person, but rather by my own soul-state, and by my desire to go deeper, to grow – dare I say it? – closer.

For the second track, Rhonda, our instructor, cut class short and told us she wanted us out of the building. Baroo? (You’re supposed to picture a puppy with its head cocked to one side, by the way!) We were supposed to go outside. And sit. No Bibles, no notebooks, no electronic communications devices. Just you. And God. Together. Crud. I have tended to avoid those kinds of situations. Heck, I’ve tried to even not participate in break-out groups lately. Me? Alone with Him? Oh, and while you’re out there – think about these two questions: What is satan using to keep me away from God’s party – the one He’s throwing for me, the prodigal child? And what compels me to be a part of God’s family – why am I here? Ready…GO! *sigh*

Tough questions. She had some other doozies, but I’ll ask those of you later.

So. I sat and contemplated. Once I got past my discomfort at just sitting, I started thinking about the questions posed. And He was quick to let me know why I’m on the outside looking in at my own celebration. Not in a condemning way – I did plenty of that on my own – but rather like He’d been waiting for me to finally, finally, get to the point where I was willing to ask. My answers weren’t really surprising – fear, pride, selfishness, distraction – the usual suspects. But the victory was that I actually took the time to identify and really feel that these were MY usual suspects – not the accepted roll call common to everyone. I claimed them as mine. And while that may sound strange, it was a pretty big moment for me. I’ve been Teflon-coated for a loooooong time. Okay, through the first question, thank You, Lord. On to the second.

Why am I here? Not the big ‘what is the meaning of life’ question, but why am I here – where I am, what made me become a christian? I’m still mulling and ruminating this one over to some degree. My time was quickly coming to a close, and to be honest, I’m not thrilled with the answers I had.

How would you answer these questions?