Monday

I got a call this evening, telling me that someone, a lady from church, passed away suddenly this weekend. I was shocked. Granted, she had not been in the best of health, but I never expected this! She was disabled to some degree, and had other physical challenges.

I called a few sisters that I knew were close to her, to check if they were handling the news okay. I mentioned to one that I didn't know her well, and that I really didn't have the opportunity to get to know her. I then corrected myself - yes, there was the opportunity. The chance to serve a sister in need, the chance to take her to church or to the store, the chance to send her a note, the chance to call and check on her.

I think that may be the most tragic thing: evidently no one knows how long she'd been dead before she was found. It could have been anytime between Thursday and Monday morning. I remember noticing her absence at church Sunday, and I was hoping she was feeling alright. But I didn't call. She had just joined us on the women's ministry servant group, and was very excited about the events we have planned.

I just feel bad, you know? I mean, I know where she is now, but what were her last moments like? Had she taken a fall? She was unable to get back up if she had. Was she frightened? Was it sudden, like a stroke or heart attack? Was she in pain? Did she cry out for help?

Please pray for her family.

I'm HOW old again?!?!?

I really thought I wouldn't have a problem with my upcoming birthday - even though it's THE dreaded milestone one. And I don't think I will when it finally gets here. However, I AM having a problem with the idea that I have close friends old enough to be the mother of the bride. I spent a good number of years helping friends with their weddings: singing, decorating, even doing hair & make-up. But never helped their MOTHERS, if you know what I mean. I have a friend whose daughter got married at the end of December, and another one whose daughter will be married in May. When the heck did this development occur?! I don't feel old enough for this to have happened! I mean, did my mother's generation feel this way, too?! Too weird...

You know what they say: At your age, just go braless - it'll pull all the wrinkles out of your face...(just checking to see if anyone's still reading...lol!)

Sunday

Finally! Something halfway decent about the no-longer-going-to-be-a-stuporbowl - Go Indy!

Today was my last Sunday singing with the praise team for awhile. I really tried to put aside my personal feelings about the day and the songs and (fill in the blank)...and just worship. I'll just say that I'm glad I'm taking next month off.

I took Friday off - not feeling well - and I'm not looking forward to going back tomorrow. I can't shake this headache for very long at all. It comes and goes in waves, it seems. Ugh.

Plans seem to be coming together for the retreat. I'm so blessed to be working with a great bunch of women! And I'm learning to delegate...lol!

...and then reality set in...

So, yeah, Sunday was great. Monday, my coworker returned to work after two months, and I started feeling less confident about what I've been doing while she's been gone. Then Tuesday comes, and I blow it from the beginning of the day - lousy quiet time (my fault), so-so work day, practice (meh - again - my fault).

I hate it when Satan attacks so quickly! And so completely! In every area. Physically, spiritually, emotionally. Blech.

So, I'm home tonight, I'm about to put on my comfy flannel jammies, and watch AI - or something mindless, at least - just zoning out...if you need me, I'll be the lump under the blanket...

Sunday

Whew - busy day today! Sang this morning (felt much better, by the way!) and had my first women's ministry servant group meeting this afternoon. The meeting went really well, I thought. We got some preliminary planning done for the retreat, and some groundwork laid for events throughout the rest of the year. People seemed really open to each other, as well as to the ideas I had. I feel really good about the start we've made, and can't wait to see where God leads us next!

So, back to this morning...I'm waiting up front for services to begin, when I notice someone I recognize in the back of the auditorium - it's Allen's sister! Unprompted! Hallelujah! I was so excited she was there! She told me that her work schedule had changed and she was now able to start attending church - yay! She also told someone else that she would try to get one of her sisters to come next week. I slipped out during the message and called Allen to let him know - he was so excited! Hopefully, this will become a regular thing!

And now...I'm going to go stitch and enjoy the solitude, and satisfaction of a good day!

Unworthy

As I mentioned in my last post, I was considering taking a break from the praise team. Well, I've gone ahead and informed our worship leader (George, for those of you keeping score at home) that I'm taking a hiatus, at least for February.

I recently had a couple of very challenging conversations with some dear people. They called me higher in many areas, including my involvement in the praise team. I've heard two adjectives ascribed to me specifically, and they made quite an impact. I was told I looked bored, and that I am cynical. Guilty on both counts. On the way home tonight, I simply couldn't justify remaining on the PT until I get my head and heart together. I mean, is this how someone who is to be 'leading' worship should be described?!

I had expressed some of my concerns before this evening with another friend. I asked him how I was supposed to lead someone to worship when I hadn't approached the throne room myself. He offered that I could look at it two ways: one - that I shouldn't be 'leading'; or two - that I would make a better leader because I was seeking. Okay. But in which camp am I to pitch my tent?

One of my problems, in my opinion, is that I can't just flip a switch and be ready to worship. I need to take the time to truly prepare. Unfortunately, by the time I'm done with sound check and practice Sunday morning, I'm so focused on the technical aspects of singing that I forget why I'm there. It's the head stuff and not the heart stuff.

I've started tuning out on the drive into work these days - just being quiet in the car and talking to God. I've adopted a phrase that our youth pastor incorporates into his prayer during his sermon. He says something like "whether anyone else knows it God, You and I know that I am nothing without You." I really like that. And it's so true. I was praying that this morning, and it hit me that, yes, I am nothing. But to Him, I'm everything. Even if it saved only me, He would have still gone through it all. WHY can't I get through the 'stuff' and sing about THAT?! Or focus on the many blessings He's given me?! Or the fact that the Spirit is living in me?! Or...

I went back and read my blogs from right after Zoe. Whew - don't know where that person went off to! And the really bad thing is that I miss that person - I miss the progess I was making, the things I was feeling, the things He was showing me.

I know this is kind of rambling, and I apologize. It's late, and I've been wrestling with this stuff for awhile now.

Today I am thankful for friends willing to tell me the truth.

...and I'm back

So, yeah, that whole internet thing - not working so much at our house for the last month - ugh.

Recap: (for the two people who care...lol!)
Christmas was good - I think everyone got what they wanted, or at least something they wanted.
I have decided to take on the women's ministry. The former leader passed the 'baton' to me today - a plastic bag of files dating back to 1998 - ack! I think I might be in over my head...
I may be taking a break from the praise team. Not sure yet.
Work is still going well - I actually have received some praise from co-workers - which is always nice, right?
My coworker/mentor is still out - she's been out since before Thanksgiving - but I think I'm handling the 500 or so people on my floor pretty well!

I do have some things I have been mulling over - I will try to get some semblance of order to my thoughts and get something worthwhile posted here very soon. Tonight I just wanted to send up a flare to let people know I haven't fallen off the face of the planet...

Have a good week!!