I recently had a couple of very challenging conversations with some dear people. They called me higher in many areas, including my involvement in the praise team. I've heard two adjectives ascribed to me specifically, and they made quite an impact. I was told I looked bored, and that I am cynical. Guilty on both counts. On the way home tonight, I simply couldn't justify remaining on the PT until I get my head and heart together. I mean, is this how someone who is to be 'leading' worship should be described?!
I had expressed some of my concerns before this evening with another friend. I asked him how I was supposed to lead someone to worship when I hadn't approached the throne room myself. He offered that I could look at it two ways: one - that I shouldn't be 'leading'; or two - that I would make a better leader because I was seeking. Okay. But in which camp am I to pitch my tent?
One of my problems, in my opinion, is that I can't just flip a switch and be ready to worship. I need to take the time to truly prepare. Unfortunately, by the time I'm done with sound check and practice Sunday morning, I'm so focused on the technical aspects of singing that I forget why I'm there. It's the head stuff and not the heart stuff.
I've started tuning out on the drive into work these days - just being quiet in the car and talking to God. I've adopted a phrase that our youth pastor incorporates into his prayer during his sermon. He says something like "whether anyone else knows it God, You and I know that I am nothing without You." I really like that. And it's so true. I was praying that this morning, and it hit me that, yes, I am nothing. But to Him, I'm everything. Even if it saved only me, He would have still gone through it all. WHY can't I get through the 'stuff' and sing about THAT?! Or focus on the many blessings He's given me?! Or the fact that the Spirit is living in me?! Or...
I went back and read my blogs from right after Zoe. Whew - don't know where that person went off to! And the really bad thing is that I miss that person - I miss the progess I was making, the things I was feeling, the things He was showing me.
I know this is kind of rambling, and I apologize. It's late, and I've been wrestling with this stuff for awhile now.
Today I am thankful for friends willing to tell me the truth.
2 comments:
(Playing Devil's Advocate) Maybe there's something that needs to be changed with the WAY we do things on Sunday morning? Yes, YOUR heart has to be in it, but maybe there's a better way to help you get there? Maybe this is something to explore together with the group? If you're feeling this way, then maybe there are others too.
BTW - we are ALL unworthy. How many people do you think actually feel "worthy" to lead others in Worship? I know that I don't - but God can transform us & use us if we just let others see Him through us. Sometimes it's the thought that I am "one of the worst sinners" that makes me feel MORE like I should be up there to show others what the power of God can do. I don't know - I'm rambling.....but it IS something that I wrestle with too, so I guess what I'm trying to say is that you are not alone!
The place I visited Sunday had the praise team standing behind the group....seems like that would take the pressure off of being "watched".
But I think whether leading or following we all get caught up in the technical aspect instead of letting our selves "go" just freely expressing our love and adoration for our God.
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