Verifiable randomness – just ‘cuz it’s my blog and I can…
When will my children be old enough to NOT go out on Halloween? So I’m still waiting for the “I’m too old to go, mom” speech – although with the prospect of FREE and CANDY involved, I’ll probably not hear it for quite a while, yet.
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So can I count it as healthy if what I eat for lunch comes from the same row as something marked with the little “sort of nutritious for all that it comes from a vending machine, so this is the best we can do” sticker?
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Just this morning, I called my sons at home after I got to work:
DS1: “Whassup, mom?”
Me: “Hi. You need to turn off the light in the garage, please.”
DS1: “It’s still on?”
Me: “Yes, or else I wouldn’t be calling you.”
DS1 “I didn’t turn it off?”
Me: (becoming slightly irritated) “No, please do it now.”
DS1: (evidently MORE than puzzled) “Are you home?”
…for the love…
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I told Allen that I wasn’t going to sign us up to attend my company’s “Winter Celebration” party (can’t even call it a holiday party, let alone a Christmas party!) From his comments when I first mentioned the party, I assumed that we wouldn’t be going. It also happens to fall on the same day as the cookie exchange I’m heading up at church. So I told him we weren’t going to go. He looked at me and said, “But we know everybody at church already…” We’re going…could be fun…
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I find it very intriguing that, although I work at a BIC (Big Insurance Company – an acronym I learned today from a fellow external associate whose company employees are not allowed to state where they actually go to work each day) and the place is very Dilbert-esque (many mazelike aisles and identical, anonymous cubes) it amazes me what people will do to make their cubicle their own. Inflatable, tropical fish hanging from the ceiling; pictures of just about everything you can imagine – from Chihuahuas to Harleys and everything in between; seasonal decorations (including one foreign gentlemen who has had a Thanksgiving turkey on display since my first day here six months ago); voodoo dolls (‘nuff said); lovely paintings; toys – LOTS of toys – it runs the gamut…No matter how hard the borg tries to spit out identical automatons, we won’t be forced into that mold…
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Tuesday thoughts
Okay, so I’m starting to stress myself out about these stupid angels! My wrist has been hurting, so I’ve taken a few days off, but I’m feeling a huge time crunch. Allen has told me he won’t let me fall too far behind, for which I’m very grateful. Ugh.
My fantasy football record is now blemished. Tarnished, even. As my dear husband told me after my loss to him yesterday, “You’re not undefeated anymore – you’re ‘one’-defeated!” Great. Thanks. My record is still better than his, though – mwahahaha!
Still working through some of the garbage that has come spewing out of my psyche. I’m vacillating, unfortunately, between anger/resentment/bitterness and - well, that’s actually about it. And if I remember my definitions correctly, I can’t vacillate between one thing, can I?
And to top it off, my husband just HUNG. UP. ON. ME. Nice… “Accident” my left foot! I may have been born at night, butcept it wasn’t LAST night…
*sigh*
On a more positive note, I have really enjoyed the scenery around here recently. I just love the colors of the trees – makes me appreciate where I live, and the fact that we have seasons! It always amazes me to think that those colors are there all year long, but we just don’t see them. Some trees look like their lit from within – gorgeous! We have a big old sugar maple in the front yard that is just so colorful in the autumn
(that’s for you, Skip!) I know that sometime very soon, though, we’ll get a few days of cold rainy weather, and that will be the end of the leaves…
I really didn’t mean this post to be a downer, and I’m not down myself! Sorry – hey! Go out and make it a GREAT DAY!!!
(…62 more days…)
My fantasy football record is now blemished. Tarnished, even. As my dear husband told me after my loss to him yesterday, “You’re not undefeated anymore – you’re ‘one’-defeated!” Great. Thanks. My record is still better than his, though – mwahahaha!
Still working through some of the garbage that has come spewing out of my psyche. I’m vacillating, unfortunately, between anger/resentment/bitterness and - well, that’s actually about it. And if I remember my definitions correctly, I can’t vacillate between one thing, can I?
And to top it off, my husband just HUNG. UP. ON. ME. Nice… “Accident” my left foot! I may have been born at night, butcept it wasn’t LAST night…
*sigh*
On a more positive note, I have really enjoyed the scenery around here recently. I just love the colors of the trees – makes me appreciate where I live, and the fact that we have seasons! It always amazes me to think that those colors are there all year long, but we just don’t see them. Some trees look like their lit from within – gorgeous! We have a big old sugar maple in the front yard that is just so colorful in the autumn
(that’s for you, Skip!) I know that sometime very soon, though, we’ll get a few days of cold rainy weather, and that will be the end of the leaves…I really didn’t mean this post to be a downer, and I’m not down myself! Sorry – hey! Go out and make it a GREAT DAY!!!
(…62 more days…)
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
New day
I’m afraid the high that I got at Zoe is fading fast. I was hoping that it would last – I hope that every year. Church yesterday was good, but, well, you know…Allen had a good message for communion, and the worship was great, but I just wasn’t feeling it like I felt that I should. I don’t know if it was because I’m not quite feeling myself, or I’m tired, or distracted, or just life – you know? Maybe it’s because Saturday wasn’t quite what we had envisioned, or that I’m in some physical discomfort because of my back problems, or that I had yet another run-in with my elder. All I know is that satan is being a bit more sneaky this time in trying to get me down from the mountain. Singing this Sunday with the praise team may help…
I am looking forward to seeing some old friends this weekend - can't wait, actually! It's been awhile since they moved out of state, and I have missed them terribly - didn't realize quite how much til I heard they were coming back for a visit.
I feel like I’ve dumped so much out here in Blogville this last week or so that I need to lighten up a bit. Hence the “Baroo?” post of Friday. I think I need to step back a bit and think some things through before getting all deep and stuff again. Although I must say thanks for all the positive feedback and prayers...
BTW - on jury duty this week - ack!
Friday, October 13, 2006
An explanation...
A couple of days ago, I used the word 'baroo' in my post and asked you to picture a puppy with its head cocked to the side. This was the inspiration for that definition. Its also the feeling I was going for...you know, kind of a whimsical perkiness, yet questioning and perhaps slightly confused, too...
(Thanks, Cuteoverload.com!)
Thursday, October 12, 2006
What is enough?
A couple more tough questions from Rhonda Lowery:
Am I completely in love with Christ? What if I got to heaven, after having lived my life in anticipation of heaven and the reunions that would take place, and Christ was the only person there? Would that be enough?
Obviously, the answer to the second part is yes, right? I mean, come on! When she asked that particular part, I thought “Score! I’ve got this one!” But the first part is a bit tougher. Am I COMPLETELY in love with Him? Can I abandon myself in worship of Him? Is He truly enough? The answer to that question may have an impact on the answer to the second question.
I confess that as a child, I think I turned to Jesus out of a sense of fear and self-preservation. I didn’t want to go to hell. Understandable. As I matured, and studied, my reason has changed. Yes, fear of hell is a legitimate reason, but it can’t be the only reason. The more I studied, the more I learned about God and His love and sacrifice.
One of my favorite songs is by Third Day – Love Song is an oldie but a goodie. I can’t listen to it without crying, though. The line in the bridge that says “and I promise I would do it all again” gets me every time, because I’ve learned it’s true. He would go through it all again, even if it was for only me. Thank You, Lord.
Am I completely in love with Christ? What if I got to heaven, after having lived my life in anticipation of heaven and the reunions that would take place, and Christ was the only person there? Would that be enough?
Obviously, the answer to the second part is yes, right? I mean, come on! When she asked that particular part, I thought “Score! I’ve got this one!” But the first part is a bit tougher. Am I COMPLETELY in love with Him? Can I abandon myself in worship of Him? Is He truly enough? The answer to that question may have an impact on the answer to the second question.
I confess that as a child, I think I turned to Jesus out of a sense of fear and self-preservation. I didn’t want to go to hell. Understandable. As I matured, and studied, my reason has changed. Yes, fear of hell is a legitimate reason, but it can’t be the only reason. The more I studied, the more I learned about God and His love and sacrifice.
One of my favorite songs is by Third Day – Love Song is an oldie but a goodie. I can’t listen to it without crying, though. The line in the bridge that says “and I promise I would do it all again” gets me every time, because I’ve learned it’s true. He would go through it all again, even if it was for only me. Thank You, Lord.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Vespers
Vespers Friday night was so tough for me. There were four stations around the room. Three were interactive areas and the fourth was an area for anointing and prayer. One of the interactive areas was for forgiveness. You were to write the name of someone who has hurt you, or you have hurt, and to symbolically release the pain and anger by dropping the paper into a box of some sort.
I was initially prepared to sit and enjoy the music. Jesus had other plans.
My relationship with my mother is, for all intents and purposes, non-existent. When I was in college, she told me that if were to date Allen or anyone ‘similar’ (what a colorless euphemism!) that I would be choosing between that person and my family. I have to give her credit – she has stuck to her guns. I am an only child, though. If there’s not a relationship with me, she doesn’t have another child to turn to. These are her only grandkids. She is certainly cutting off her nose to spite her face. I called her the day after Allen and I got engaged. That didn’t go well, as you can imagine. The next (and last) time I spoke to her was when I called her the day after Tyler was born – I figured what the heck – I’m already on pain meds! I send her cards on appropriate occasions, and I send her pictures of the boys. However, I don’t write notes in the cards anymore after I mentioned in one that her new house was nice. She viciously accused my grandmother of letting me into the house when my mother was out of town. I quickly wrote my mother and assured her that I had only driven by the house. Sheesh.
A few years ago, I felt led to write to her. I asked her if she missed me. I also told her that I wasn’t going to change things – such as my church, Allen, etc. She didn’t take that too well. She did, however, suggest that perhaps if we saw a counselor – of her choosing – that we might be able to work something out. However, she wanted us to agree to abide by certain boundaries, as in “if either one of us feels that they are as close as they want to get, then we need to agree to stop and deal with the relationship as it is at that point.” This is MY MOTHER, for the love…! I just kind of shut down after that.
Allen has been so incredibly patient throughout the drama that is my family. He wasn’t when we first started dating, and really pushed hard for some sort of confrontation. After we got back together a year later, he was much more understanding and hasn’t pushed me. Although, every anniversary he does want to send her a note: “Na na na na na na – we’re still together even though you didn’t think we’d make it!”
I confessed at the women’s retreat this year that I have held onto the garbage from this relationship far too long, because if I let it go, there wouldn’t be anything ‘unique’ about me anymore. I know, I know. I know the words. I just didn’t feel special because of anything else.
As I sat during the Vespers service, I realized how tired I was. Tired of holding on to the pain, the resentment, the anger. Tired of making jokes about Allen’s ‘good luck’ with in-laws, tired of playing off mother’s day, tired of pretending it doesn’t matter. Two of my traveling companions had been talking about how when they start crying it’s often hard to stop. Yeah. I know. The tears flowed. And flowed. And flowed some more. I didn’t physically go to the ‘forgiveness’ station. I just sat and sobbed. I wanted to be refreshed and anointed. But I felt so ugly and unworthy. I told Him that but He told me it was okay, and to go forward. I took the long way around the room. My observation was that the process went something like 1) anoint, 2) pray, 3) hug. When I got there, well, my process turned into 1) hug, 2) hug, 3) hug, 4) pray, 5) anoint, 6) pray, 7) hug.
I’ve talked to Allen about this since I’ve been home. I don’t think reconciliation is where I’m being led. I don’t know if that will ever happen. I think ‘surrender’ may be a better word. I will try to start praying for her again. It’s been a long while. I’ve finally let Jesus see the blackest, darkest area in my heart – that spot I’ve been holding on to for fourteen years. I know He’ll take care of it the way He wants. I know He was sitting next to me, holding me while I cried and prayed that evening. I know He held my hand as I walked the long way around the room. I know He’s with me now as my tears are flowing again. And I’m so grateful.
I was initially prepared to sit and enjoy the music. Jesus had other plans.
My relationship with my mother is, for all intents and purposes, non-existent. When I was in college, she told me that if were to date Allen or anyone ‘similar’ (what a colorless euphemism!) that I would be choosing between that person and my family. I have to give her credit – she has stuck to her guns. I am an only child, though. If there’s not a relationship with me, she doesn’t have another child to turn to. These are her only grandkids. She is certainly cutting off her nose to spite her face. I called her the day after Allen and I got engaged. That didn’t go well, as you can imagine. The next (and last) time I spoke to her was when I called her the day after Tyler was born – I figured what the heck – I’m already on pain meds! I send her cards on appropriate occasions, and I send her pictures of the boys. However, I don’t write notes in the cards anymore after I mentioned in one that her new house was nice. She viciously accused my grandmother of letting me into the house when my mother was out of town. I quickly wrote my mother and assured her that I had only driven by the house. Sheesh.
A few years ago, I felt led to write to her. I asked her if she missed me. I also told her that I wasn’t going to change things – such as my church, Allen, etc. She didn’t take that too well. She did, however, suggest that perhaps if we saw a counselor – of her choosing – that we might be able to work something out. However, she wanted us to agree to abide by certain boundaries, as in “if either one of us feels that they are as close as they want to get, then we need to agree to stop and deal with the relationship as it is at that point.” This is MY MOTHER, for the love…! I just kind of shut down after that.
Allen has been so incredibly patient throughout the drama that is my family. He wasn’t when we first started dating, and really pushed hard for some sort of confrontation. After we got back together a year later, he was much more understanding and hasn’t pushed me. Although, every anniversary he does want to send her a note: “Na na na na na na – we’re still together even though you didn’t think we’d make it!”
I confessed at the women’s retreat this year that I have held onto the garbage from this relationship far too long, because if I let it go, there wouldn’t be anything ‘unique’ about me anymore. I know, I know. I know the words. I just didn’t feel special because of anything else.
As I sat during the Vespers service, I realized how tired I was. Tired of holding on to the pain, the resentment, the anger. Tired of making jokes about Allen’s ‘good luck’ with in-laws, tired of playing off mother’s day, tired of pretending it doesn’t matter. Two of my traveling companions had been talking about how when they start crying it’s often hard to stop. Yeah. I know. The tears flowed. And flowed. And flowed some more. I didn’t physically go to the ‘forgiveness’ station. I just sat and sobbed. I wanted to be refreshed and anointed. But I felt so ugly and unworthy. I told Him that but He told me it was okay, and to go forward. I took the long way around the room. My observation was that the process went something like 1) anoint, 2) pray, 3) hug. When I got there, well, my process turned into 1) hug, 2) hug, 3) hug, 4) pray, 5) anoint, 6) pray, 7) hug.
I’ve talked to Allen about this since I’ve been home. I don’t think reconciliation is where I’m being led. I don’t know if that will ever happen. I think ‘surrender’ may be a better word. I will try to start praying for her again. It’s been a long while. I’ve finally let Jesus see the blackest, darkest area in my heart – that spot I’ve been holding on to for fourteen years. I know He’ll take care of it the way He wants. I know He was sitting next to me, holding me while I cried and prayed that evening. I know He held my hand as I walked the long way around the room. I know He’s with me now as my tears are flowing again. And I’m so grateful.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Post Post Zoe Post
In reading other Zoe attendee’s blogs, I’ve noticed that this year didn’t produce that amazing high like in years past. Well, for me either. Don’t get me wrong – it was incredible and powerful – but I think this year was very tough on everyone.
In my last post, I mentioned some self-examination that I was forced – and no, I don’t think that’s too strong of a word choice – to do. I wasn’t forced by a person, but rather by my own soul-state, and by my desire to go deeper, to grow – dare I say it? – closer.
For the second track, Rhonda, our instructor, cut class short and told us she wanted us out of the building. Baroo? (You’re supposed to picture a puppy with its head cocked to one side, by the way!) We were supposed to go outside. And sit. No Bibles, no notebooks, no electronic communications devices. Just you. And God. Together. Crud. I have tended to avoid those kinds of situations. Heck, I’ve tried to even not participate in break-out groups lately. Me? Alone with Him? Oh, and while you’re out there – think about these two questions: What is satan using to keep me away from God’s party – the one He’s throwing for me, the prodigal child? And what compels me to be a part of God’s family – why am I here? Ready…GO! *sigh*
Tough questions. She had some other doozies, but I’ll ask those of you later.
So. I sat and contemplated. Once I got past my discomfort at just sitting, I started thinking about the questions posed. And He was quick to let me know why I’m on the outside looking in at my own celebration. Not in a condemning way – I did plenty of that on my own – but rather like He’d been waiting for me to finally, finally, get to the point where I was willing to ask. My answers weren’t really surprising – fear, pride, selfishness, distraction – the usual suspects. But the victory was that I actually took the time to identify and really feel that these were MY usual suspects – not the accepted roll call common to everyone. I claimed them as mine. And while that may sound strange, it was a pretty big moment for me. I’ve been Teflon-coated for a loooooong time. Okay, through the first question, thank You, Lord. On to the second.
Why am I here? Not the big ‘what is the meaning of life’ question, but why am I here – where I am, what made me become a christian? I’m still mulling and ruminating this one over to some degree. My time was quickly coming to a close, and to be honest, I’m not thrilled with the answers I had.
How would you answer these questions?
In my last post, I mentioned some self-examination that I was forced – and no, I don’t think that’s too strong of a word choice – to do. I wasn’t forced by a person, but rather by my own soul-state, and by my desire to go deeper, to grow – dare I say it? – closer.
For the second track, Rhonda, our instructor, cut class short and told us she wanted us out of the building. Baroo? (You’re supposed to picture a puppy with its head cocked to one side, by the way!) We were supposed to go outside. And sit. No Bibles, no notebooks, no electronic communications devices. Just you. And God. Together. Crud. I have tended to avoid those kinds of situations. Heck, I’ve tried to even not participate in break-out groups lately. Me? Alone with Him? Oh, and while you’re out there – think about these two questions: What is satan using to keep me away from God’s party – the one He’s throwing for me, the prodigal child? And what compels me to be a part of God’s family – why am I here? Ready…GO! *sigh*
Tough questions. She had some other doozies, but I’ll ask those of you later.
So. I sat and contemplated. Once I got past my discomfort at just sitting, I started thinking about the questions posed. And He was quick to let me know why I’m on the outside looking in at my own celebration. Not in a condemning way – I did plenty of that on my own – but rather like He’d been waiting for me to finally, finally, get to the point where I was willing to ask. My answers weren’t really surprising – fear, pride, selfishness, distraction – the usual suspects. But the victory was that I actually took the time to identify and really feel that these were MY usual suspects – not the accepted roll call common to everyone. I claimed them as mine. And while that may sound strange, it was a pretty big moment for me. I’ve been Teflon-coated for a loooooong time. Okay, through the first question, thank You, Lord. On to the second.
Why am I here? Not the big ‘what is the meaning of life’ question, but why am I here – where I am, what made me become a christian? I’m still mulling and ruminating this one over to some degree. My time was quickly coming to a close, and to be honest, I’m not thrilled with the answers I had.
How would you answer these questions?
Monday, October 09, 2006
Post Zoe Post
So. Back from Zoe. Wow. I don’t know if I’ve ever NOT come back from Zoe and NOT said “wow.” What else can you say? The teaching at the leadership conference was really good. Lauren Winner inspired our little group to explore Sabbath more fully. Jeff Walling – well, come on! – he’s Jeff Walling, for the love…! And Mike – always an inspiration! My track choice was taught by Rhonda Lowery, and she really challenged me.
There was a lot of self-examination this weekend, and unfortunately, personally, when there’s self-examination it usually leads to self-recrimination. Just part of my charm, I guess. Rhonda gave the class some tough questions to consider, and well, when you ask the Lord to meet you, He’ll be there with bells on. In spite of the afore-mentioned self-recrimination, He was there, holding me close and telling me how much He loves me. It was a time of renewal and recharging – above and beyond the fact that this particular introvert got some “alone” time she desperately, but unknowingly, needed. I’m still ruminating over a lot of the stuff I went through this weekend. Some of the best times were outside of classes – outside the church campus, even. I received wise counsel and huge amounts of love and encouragement from my compatriots – thanks, guys! Hopefully, I’ll be in a better position to share some of the highlights soon. Right now, though, I’m worn out – physically and spiritually.
As you may have read on other’s blogs here in Blogville, some of us were able to meet IRL at Zoe. I FINALLY got to meet Terri and Donna – and as a bonus met Amy, Paul, Happy, Jenni, Snapshot (although not formally) and saw other names that I recognized (Drew, Phil Wilson, etc) – very cool! Definitely a highlight! Although two of my traveling companions consider “blog” a four letter word…bah– what do they know?! (LOL!) And I can now say with absolute certainty – we are a quirky bunch here in Blogville!
My family survived – flourished, even – in my absence. I must say their hugs and stuff were very welcomed when I got back. The dog survived – not as well as the humans, but maybe now he’ll appreciate me a bit more – HA!
There was a lot of self-examination this weekend, and unfortunately, personally, when there’s self-examination it usually leads to self-recrimination. Just part of my charm, I guess. Rhonda gave the class some tough questions to consider, and well, when you ask the Lord to meet you, He’ll be there with bells on. In spite of the afore-mentioned self-recrimination, He was there, holding me close and telling me how much He loves me. It was a time of renewal and recharging – above and beyond the fact that this particular introvert got some “alone” time she desperately, but unknowingly, needed. I’m still ruminating over a lot of the stuff I went through this weekend. Some of the best times were outside of classes – outside the church campus, even. I received wise counsel and huge amounts of love and encouragement from my compatriots – thanks, guys! Hopefully, I’ll be in a better position to share some of the highlights soon. Right now, though, I’m worn out – physically and spiritually.
As you may have read on other’s blogs here in Blogville, some of us were able to meet IRL at Zoe. I FINALLY got to meet Terri and Donna – and as a bonus met Amy, Paul, Happy, Jenni, Snapshot (although not formally) and saw other names that I recognized (Drew, Phil Wilson, etc) – very cool! Definitely a highlight! Although two of my traveling companions consider “blog” a four letter word…bah– what do they know?! (LOL!) And I can now say with absolute certainty – we are a quirky bunch here in Blogville!
My family survived – flourished, even – in my absence. I must say their hugs and stuff were very welcomed when I got back. The dog survived – not as well as the humans, but maybe now he’ll appreciate me a bit more – HA!
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