Post Post Zoe Post

In reading other Zoe attendee’s blogs, I’ve noticed that this year didn’t produce that amazing high like in years past. Well, for me either. Don’t get me wrong – it was incredible and powerful – but I think this year was very tough on everyone.

In my last post, I mentioned some self-examination that I was forced – and no, I don’t think that’s too strong of a word choice – to do. I wasn’t forced by a person, but rather by my own soul-state, and by my desire to go deeper, to grow – dare I say it? – closer.

For the second track, Rhonda, our instructor, cut class short and told us she wanted us out of the building. Baroo? (You’re supposed to picture a puppy with its head cocked to one side, by the way!) We were supposed to go outside. And sit. No Bibles, no notebooks, no electronic communications devices. Just you. And God. Together. Crud. I have tended to avoid those kinds of situations. Heck, I’ve tried to even not participate in break-out groups lately. Me? Alone with Him? Oh, and while you’re out there – think about these two questions: What is satan using to keep me away from God’s party – the one He’s throwing for me, the prodigal child? And what compels me to be a part of God’s family – why am I here? Ready…GO! *sigh*

Tough questions. She had some other doozies, but I’ll ask those of you later.

So. I sat and contemplated. Once I got past my discomfort at just sitting, I started thinking about the questions posed. And He was quick to let me know why I’m on the outside looking in at my own celebration. Not in a condemning way – I did plenty of that on my own – but rather like He’d been waiting for me to finally, finally, get to the point where I was willing to ask. My answers weren’t really surprising – fear, pride, selfishness, distraction – the usual suspects. But the victory was that I actually took the time to identify and really feel that these were MY usual suspects – not the accepted roll call common to everyone. I claimed them as mine. And while that may sound strange, it was a pretty big moment for me. I’ve been Teflon-coated for a loooooong time. Okay, through the first question, thank You, Lord. On to the second.

Why am I here? Not the big ‘what is the meaning of life’ question, but why am I here – where I am, what made me become a christian? I’m still mulling and ruminating this one over to some degree. My time was quickly coming to a close, and to be honest, I’m not thrilled with the answers I had.

How would you answer these questions?