...if I...

Jettybetty has a list of questions to answer 'just fer fun' on her blog today - very bloggable questions...so here goes...

The questions: If I could be a scientist...if I could be a farmer...if I could be a musician...if I could be a doctor...if I could be a painter...if I could be a gardener...if I could be a missionary...if I could be a chef...if I could be an architect...if I could be a linguist...if I could be a psychologist...if I could be a librarian...if I could be an athlete...if I could be a lawyer...if I could be an inn-keeper...if I could be a professor...if I could be a writer...if I could be a llama-rider...if I could be a bonnie pirate...if I could be an astronaut...if I could be a world-famous blogger...if I could be a justice on any one court in the world...if I could be married to any current famous political figure...

So, I guess whatcha do is pick one or two or three of these and speculate away...!

The funny thing is, as I was typing the list, I kept wondering why I couldn't be one of these things. (And I know DH is applauding wildly at the idea of not limiting my thinking...!) I mean, I realize some of these are kinda out there, but some of them aren't. I'm not necessarily an astronaut or an architect, and I never ride my llama or sail my pirate ship in public, but as for the rest, yeah, I think I could or have done them all to some degree.

As a wife and mother.

And no, I don't want this to be one of those cutesy, smarmy, sappy mother's day things that always get forwarded in emails!

• But as a wife and mother, yes, I have been a doctor - and we need to buy stock in band-aids.
• I am a musician - specializing in lullabies.
• I've been known as a pretty mean finger painter in my time.
• Nothing is sweeter in my garden than marigolds presented by a grubby kindergartener.
• Chef? Well, okay, DH is more the chef than I am, but I can make a mean German pancake when the occasion calls for it!
• Anyone who can decipher that a toddler wants a cookie is a master linguist!
• Psychologist and lawyer kind of go hand in hand for anyone with more than one child. "Why did you hit your brother? How do you think that makes him feel? What should your punishment be?"
• Inn-keeper goes along with the chef-thing - somedays it feels like I run a B&B!
• Fourth grade math qualifies ANYONE as a professor these days!
• Athletic? Well, maybe not so much to look at me per se, but let my kids or DH get into trouble and the Flash has nuttin' on me!
• And as for a missionary, well that's pretty obvious. My mission field is in my own backyard.

Maybe not the answers sought, but that's what I got!

Happy weekend!

Yes, Lord

We got our latest catalog/flyer from our local christian bookstore yesterday. I usually peruse it looking for new music or novels - just to see what's out there. They also have lots of inspirational knick-knacks, etc, including pictures. Well, last night, one of the pictures stopped me cold. Not so much for the art, but for the words.

Guidance

I am a woman who walks with the Lord.

His hand guides my steps.

He is the One who goes before me

and makes my way safe.

I am led with gentleness,

kindness and grace.

He sets the perfect pace.

My steps are steps of peace.

He is beside me as my Helper,

ahead of me as my Shield,

and behind me as my Protector.

He is the purpose of my journey,

and the destination I seek.

I read the first line and my heart started pounding and my soul cried out! Even with all the other stuff I've been dealing with, this - THIS - is the prayer and longing of my heart! I just didn't know how to say it.

prayer

Things went MUCH better last night with the kiddos! They worked together on art projects, and nary an argument was heard! Wahoo! I was able to get some rest, and didn't get blamed for it!

I've been talking to God a bit lately, again, whatever. Not too much in depth, but more like those quick 'popcorn' prayers - you know, you hear of someone's need and fire off and quick 'be with them, Lord' prayer. I'm still struggling a bit with getting 'down and dirty' with EVERYTHING in prayer, you know? This is going to sound odd, but I've been looking at the lives of some catholic saints - don't ask me why! And yes, I've been filtering...but it's been really hard for me to imagine the prayer lives of these people! Praying for days on end. I've never been a really strong 'prayer warrior' or anything like that, and to be honest, it concerns me. My attention wanders constantly, and I don't feel like I have any deep meaningful times with the Lord. And this isn't just recently - this has been since I've become a christian. Although if you ask DH, prayer is always my first reponse to him when he's facing difficulty: 'Did you pray about it?' 'Maybe this is something to take to God in prayer.' 'Let's pray. You first.'

Wow - this is so NOT what I was going to write about today!

Anyone else struggle with this?

Brother vs brother

Wow! This bronchitis has just been kicking my tail! I've just been exhausted! I'm barely getting done what absolutely HAS to be done some days. But the biaxin seems to be kicking in, and hope springs eternal for singing Sunday.

I went outside this morning and cut some lilacs to bring into the office - they're at their peak and GORGEOUS! Unfortunately, my only white lilac bush succumbed to a windstorm last year.

It's official! Not only have I blown Mother of the Year - this morning I blew the Lifetime Achievement Award too. I don't know what the deal is with these two creatures living in our home! It's like since I've been sick this week (which, according to DS1 is all my fault!) they've sensed a weakness in the parent herd and are moving in for the kill! Sheesh! This morning's battle was over those silly 'Live Strong'-esque bracelets. Evidently they were discussing a trade, and one changed his mind, and then chaos ensued with the younger going after the elder's throat at the breakfast table - aaarrrrggghhhh! Where are the Walton's when you need them?! So, the bracelets got tossed at DH's command - albeit temporarily - and that launched DS2's lament that nobody likes him. If they're like this at 8 & 10, what the heck am I going to do at 14 & 16?!?

Lord, please restore peace to our home!

prayer request

I've been following Karla Cadeau's pregnancy through her blog www.babycadeau.blogspot.com for awhile now. Unfortunately, Ava died soon after delivery due to a heart condition that the doctors thought was under control. Please pray for Karla and Mark as they are holding Ava's funeral tomorrow.

Thanks.

A report on Sunday...

Well, I made it through singing Sunday - and without my mask. Truthfully, I was far more concentrated on my physical well-being than my spiritual. Turns out I have acute bronchitis. Ugh. So, after lip-synching my way through a good portion of worship leading (thanks Deanie!) I came home and collapsed. Today meant a visit to my favorite Dr at the doc-in-a-box, who surprised me when he told me it not pneumonia - it is spring, after all. So, I'm home, and the kiddos are out of school, and I'm exhausted! Will try to sleep now. Have a good day, everyone...

Friday

Thanks to all of you! You've been so encouraging and understanding! I don't think my funk is quite as deep as it was earlier in the week...

I've not quite gotten to the point where I'm a happy peppy person again, but I'm getting there. I actually listened to some christian music today - something I haven't done in some time - which if you know me at all is waaaay out of character!

No offense, Fireguy, but I'm kinda looking forward to some down time tonight. Peace, quiet, time to think, reflect, and stitch (yes, I found a project that, for all intents and purposes is free!), and maybe even make more than a nodding acquaintance with God. We'll see.

I can't make any predictions or promises as to Sunday morning, and I may have to pull out my happy face mask for singing (I hope not!) but I'll be there.

sorry

I need to apologize for tonight - if you read further, you'll understand why. So, sorry, Kate, Julie, Skip, Deanie, Jeff and Dwight. Just wasn't feelin' it tonight.

To Want To Want To

Sunday, a visiting woman in our class made the comment that sometimes all you can pray is to want to want to. I guess that reflects where I am right now. I'm struggling with just about everything. I've never really had my faith challenged or felt like I've been forced to examine my faith, and it's not a pleasant feeling! I feel like a rebellious child - something I've never been - and I know that God is there, and He loves me and is waiting for me to get my act together, and that is comforting, but right now, the rest of it doesn't feel like it's there, you know? I don't feel like I'm angry at God or anything - nothing has happened, really, that would 'justify' an anger. Maybe I'm just tired. Tired of putting up a front, or putting on a happy face, or...I don't know. I just feel spiritually numb right now. Prayers, when I say them, don't even make it to the ceiling, although I believe I meant them, as well as the ones I wrote here. Study is a chore to mark off my list. I just feel like I'm going through the motions, and while deep down I know this is temporary, and I know that I want to - I don't know - 'get better?', I don't feel an urgency to do that. Is this normal? Well, obviously probably not. Do I just need to stew for awhile, and then get back on track? Do I need to take a break? How would that even be possible? *sigh*

clarifying

Okay, maybe the depression example wasn't the best one to use. How about this? If I say I'm the Queen of England, dress like her (or not - ugh - those hats!), talk like her, believe I am her, that certainly doesn't give me the power to invade the Falklands, does it? I mean, I can say and act and believe all I want, but that don't make it so.

So, if someone is acting like a 'good christian' - saying the right things, promising to pray for your problems, serving the church, etc, and possibly believes they are a 'good christian'...but what if they don't feel it inside? Are they truly a 'gc'?

Baseball - a contact sport?

Well, DS1 has his first black eye. The neighborhood kids tend to gravitate to our back yard for baseball - which is fine perfectly fine with me! Last night, one of the girls was horsing around and started throwing sticks - one of which caught DS1 just below his right eye.

You know, I always pooh-pooh'd those people who said they couldn't handle the sight of their kids' blood. But I gained a new empathy for those people yesterday! He had blood all over his face and hands and was crying so, it would break your heart - mostly out of fear. But within probably ten minutes or so, he was back out talking to his friends, albeit with a cloth held up to his eye. This morning he looked like a young prizefighter - and boy, was he proud!

I'm interested in any opinions: Do you believe that if you act a certain way long enough or often enough that you will start to become that way? For example, if you suffer from depression, but you tell yourself to act happy, will you actually get happy? And can it be considered genuine?

Do you see what I see?

From Donald Miller's Searching for God Knows What:

"In the Gospels, Jesus is always surrounded by the poor, by the marginalized. And, adversely, He is often opposed by the powerful. Not all the powerful, but those who oppose Him are almost always the people who are ahead in the lifeboat. In this way, Jesus disrupted the system by which people were gaining their false redemption."

Miller then goes on to quote Phillip Yancey from The Jesus I Never Knew:

"The more unsavory the characters, the more at ease they seemed to feel around Jesus. People like these found Jesus appealing: a Samaritan social outcast, a military officer of the tyrant Herod, a quisling tax collector, a recent hostess to seven demons. In contrast, Jesus got a chilly response from more respectable types. Pious Pharisees thought him uncouth and worldly, a rich young ruler walked away shaking his head, and even the open-minded Nicodemus sought a meeting under the cover of darkness. I [Yancey] remarked to the class how strange this pattern seemed, since the Christian church now attracts respectable types who closely resemble the people most suspicious of Jesus on earth. What has happened to reverse the pattern of Jesus' day? Why don't sinners like being around us?"

Miller continues:
"...Jesus was offering redemption through a relationship with Himself, and for those who were already being redeemed by a jury of their peers, people like politicians or wealthy people or powerful religious leaders, the redemption Jesus offered must have felt like a step down; but for those who had nothing...Jesus offered everything."

5Q4

Okay - here are my answers to Donna's 5Q4 for me. Evidently the rules are to copy and paste the questions and answers and to challenge you, dear readers, to be interviewed by moi (the first four of you, anyway...)

1. You once mentioned that you used to think you were invisible. When would you like to have the ability to be invisible?
I think currently I would most like to be invisible when it's for my own protection and self-preservation! A really cool defense mechanism, doncha think? Actually, I don't know that I have a good or valid reason for being invisble - at least not a reason that isn't selfish and sneaky...lol!

2. You have talked about your estranged relationship with your mother. What effect, positive or negative, do you think this has had on your relationship with your children?
I have always assured my kids that there is nothing they could do to make me stop loving them. I pray they will never test me on that! We have always been very up front with the kids as to the reasons behind my mother's actions. I hope they can understand the error of her thinking, while at the same time learning forgiveness and ultimately, acceptance of others.

3. You spoke of a friend with whom you had a falling out and later reconciliation. Has your friendship been the same since the "bad times"?
While it's true there was a meeting of the minds and apologies and forgiveness offered and accepted, I'm not sure "reconciliation" is the best word to describe what happened. I think we kinda left things as they are: not a lot of contact, but the knowledge that we'll be there when we seek one another out. Sometimes I regret the distance, but most times I'm at peace.

4. At one time your job was incredible stressful for you. Are your stress levels better? Did the whole incident from December blow over?
"At one time"! HA! Actually, this past Sunday marked my fifth anniversary here, and so far, so good. I think things have blown over for the most part. We're such a small office, and stress around here tends to breed and be contagious! I am looking around for something else - just keeping my options open...!

5. Do you think your posting style or content changed any when your husband began to read your blog?
I don't think changed all that much. I have always tried to be honest and truthful, while respecting feelings and privacy. My husband has been a source of inspiration and encouragement in my blogging. In fact, I feel he's much better at blogging than I am. There are times, however, when I wish I had a completely anonymous blog where I could vent and release the screaming banshee that seems to be my alter ego - yell and vent while being completely - AHA! - invisible!!

Thanks, Donna! Anyone else...?

Monday, Monday

Happy Monday! It's the start of another week. Another opportunity to see the beauty around us, to share our lives with someone who needs to know someone cares, to enjoy the life and blessings poured out on us by our benevolent Father.

DH and I spent about an hour with a college class taught by a friend of ours this morning. It's become almost a standing engagement. When he teaches a class on multiculturalism, he invites us to come and speak about our marriage. We really enjoy it. It gives us an opportunity to share some about our faith as well. I will admit that today, though, all these college students looked really young! *sigh*

I recently finished Donald Miller's Blue Like Jazz. Wow! LOVED. IT. It really opened my eyes, and led me out of my happy little christian churchy cocoon. The things he writes showed me that I've been wrong about a lot of things, and I want to change. Which is very frightening. And difficult. But we've all gotta start somewhere!