Wednesday, April 13, 2005
To Want To Want To
Sunday, a visiting woman in our class made the comment that sometimes all you can pray is to want to want to. I guess that reflects where I am right now. I'm struggling with just about everything. I've never really had my faith challenged or felt like I've been forced to examine my faith, and it's not a pleasant feeling! I feel like a rebellious child - something I've never been - and I know that God is there, and He loves me and is waiting for me to get my act together, and that is comforting, but right now, the rest of it doesn't feel like it's there, you know? I don't feel like I'm angry at God or anything - nothing has happened, really, that would 'justify' an anger. Maybe I'm just tired. Tired of putting up a front, or putting on a happy face, or...I don't know. I just feel spiritually numb right now. Prayers, when I say them, don't even make it to the ceiling, although I believe I meant them, as well as the ones I wrote here. Study is a chore to mark off my list. I just feel like I'm going through the motions, and while deep down I know this is temporary, and I know that I want to - I don't know - 'get better?', I don't feel an urgency to do that. Is this normal? Well, obviously probably not. Do I just need to stew for awhile, and then get back on track? Do I need to take a break? How would that even be possible? *sigh*
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3 comments:
I have been there, my friend. I also can be very oppositional--especially when I'm faced with what I know God wants me to do and I feel I "have" to do it. Satan tempts us to rebel and despair.
So hang in there--there's no such thing as "normal." But in your situation, God may be letting you stew, and you just have to wait on Him. I know it's hard--and there's no need to apologize for tonight! I for one felt the need to do something, but I knew after you told me you'd blogged this that it would be better to read it, because I knew (based on my marriage prior to moving here) that you probably didn't want to talk about it. These feelings are hard to verbalize, and blogging is a good place to start that venting place. (I wonder if that's why Job's so long--nobody had access to the Internet, so they made long speeches to vent!)
So, again, know that I'm praying for you and that my cell phone is open if you want to talk. But I won't press you to talk--it's not my style. (And I think some other people on the music team have that style and care about you, too!)
Lots of "blugs"!
If you are not normal then neither am I. I think we all cycle through close times and not so close times.
God gave us stories like Elijah in I Kings 19- to show us that for every success we will be down. We doubt ourselves, we doubt God and we just really want to go in our cave and hide!! No sister, you are not alone... but you will come out!
Hope today is better!
my favorite jars of clay song -
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart
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