A death in the "family"

My stepmother has died. My grandfather called yesterday to let us know. My first reaction was grief. I actually got teary when DH called me to tell me. Then I lost it a little bit at praise team practice (sorry guys!) I'm not sure why I was upset, though. That's been the question of the day. DH was surprised at my reaction.

This is a situation I've been dreading. You see, I'm an only child, so when one of my parents dies, it comes to me. All the decisions, all the bills, everything. To me. Granted, she was my STEP mother, and had children of her own, but my father is disabled due to epilepsy. He has brain damage due to a hunting accident which occured before I was a year old. He hasn't worked in nearly 40 years, has numerous medications to take daily, can't drive, has one eye - might as well be nicknamed "Lucky." So, here's my secondary reaction - what am I going to do with Dad? Do I go down for the funeral and stay for awhile to help him out? Do I bring him back here (they live out of state)? How am I going to get to the service? What do I do with the kids, DH and the dog? I couldn't reach my dad last night, and my grandfather was not home - for hours, it seemed. So I had no direction as to make plans for anything. I did what any self-respecting 38 year old woman would do - I called my grammy!

Which didn't go as well as I had hoped. She was sympathetic, but as she so succinctly stated, "she was nothing to you." True as that may be, I would want to be there for him. "But honey, he wasn't anything to you either." Ouch. Yeah, great, thanks - that helps a lot. Or, you know, not. Then I was able to reach my grandfather and aunt. My aunt was nearly as sympathetic as my mom's mom. Evidently, dad is being - um - strong-willed about things. He's fighting with my stepmother's daughter. He has 'friends' who are helping him out with housing and meds, etc - which makes my grandfather very suspicious. As I've stated, he cannot live alone, so my aunt and grandfather were looking into assisted living for him here, but he's been there for so long, he wouldn't know anyone around here anymore. And there's no way he could live with them, as my aunt put it. My grandfather and aunts have never liked his wife, so I could understand some of their feelings. But, come on - HE'S family! They aren't going to the service, which is today. Not even going to send flowers. Well.

So, I get off the phone with my aunt and start talking to DH about this. And then the anger starts to rear it's ugly little head.
- grammy is right - neither one of them is anything to me
- he deserted me and my mom
- he didn't tell his only child that he had even remarried, let alone that she has new brothers and sisters
- he had to be nagged to spend time with me when I was growing up
- he moved away to be closer to her adult children
- I have seen him exactly One. Time. in the last 20 years - which was his mother's funeral, in spite of the fact he has evidently been here to see his father and sisters numerous times
- he STILL has not even called to tell me she has died

As I've said before, my family is the rogue's gallery of dysfunctional families. As I'm expressing this anger to DH, he gently, but very convictingly, points out that when I first heard the news, all he saw was God - caring for my father, wanting to take care of him, etc. But after my family's influence, he saw something else. (Darn him - really irritates me when he's right!)

So basically, I have to do what God wants me to do, in spite of the circumstances and people involved. Even though I think my feelings are justified, I will do what needs to be done. Which, right now evidently, is not a whole lot. Except what is right.