Miscellania

I was paid a compliment today that I absolutely don't deserve. I have been sending short devotionals out to the women on the women's ministry servant group on Wednesdays. I've really enjoyed finding just the right ones, and rummaging through my files Wednesday mornings in order to send them out. (Yes, paper files - so?) Any-hoo, one of the women emailed me back and paid me a very sweet compliment. I was brought up short, and very convicted about all that I haven't been doing for this ministry. I know that's not at all why she sent it, but God took care of the real message...
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Got the boy's progress reports recently. DS2 will be on A-B honor roll again! And - drum roll please! - DS1 is not only passing, he's passing pretty darn well, thankyouverymuch! Has the corner finally been turned?! Wahoo!

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My goober of a husband is floating through the house this week. He's finally getting to leave on at least part of his long awaited Blues & BBQ tour. This weekend, he and another brother from church are heading to KCMO for lots of fellowship, lots of music, and lots of RIBS! As I am typing, he started playing Fats Domino's "Going to Kansas City." Albone is SOOO jazzed (no pun intended!) about going! And I'm very excited for him - he needs this trip! He deserves this trip! He's finally going on this trip!
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And my plans for the weekend? Hint: two words - a season and an unpleasant activity...guesses? Yep - spring cleaning! I'm sure my boys would appreciate prayers for rescue.

Tingly-feeling

Shhh! I'm listening in on my son's conversations as they're playing a video game - yes, TOGETHER! I know! I'm hoping they've forgotten I'm here. I can't remember when the last time was they played a game together, on the same 'team', and were so complimentary! I've heard so many 'good jobs!' and 'yessss!' and 'way to go!s' spoken to one another - it's almost like they were - *gasp* - FRIENDS!?! Usually I hear the hitting and sniping and insults and eventually the younger one throwing his controller, 'cuz he's not as good as the older one and then stomping upstairs in tears 'cuz he's mad. THIS is SOOO refreshing! Makes me all happy and glowy and tingly...

Hope it lasts...!

Creamed corn, anyone?

I've seen this on some other blogs I read, and thought it could be fun. (And, I needed to post something!)

List five weird things about yourself. Ready? Go.

To be honest, I had a hard time coming up with things that aren't simply pet peeves. But, here goes...

1. Milk MUST be ICE. COLD. No leaving it out on the table for the length of a meal for me! The less time it's out of the fridge, the happier I am. I have a real problem with spoiled milk - blech!

2. I pop my joints - fingers, wrists, elbows, etc. But I can't do just one side. I have to do both.

3. I hate it when people say EYE-talian. Enough said.

4. I can't lay on my back without bending my right leg. It reminds me of someone laying in a coffin, and ever since I was a child, that right leg has managed to bend. As a result, I had really good turnout on the right side for the ballet section of dance class. (Left side, not so much...)

5. I dislike the number four. Don't ask me why - I simply don't know.

So there ya have it. Me in a NUTshell - lol! What's weird about you?

A new creation

Today God has confirmed the end of your sufferings sorrows and pains because HE that sits on the throne has remembered you. He has taken away the hardships and given you JOY. He will never let you down.

I received this in an email message today. The sender's name isn't important, because the true sender was God. His hand has been on me all day today.

Allen and I have been trying to deal with 'stuff' from my past. It's not been easy, but he's been incredibly patient. But he's also been incredibly frustrated. Understandably so. Last night, he asked me if I truly believed I was a new creation in Christ or if it was just something I was paying lip service to. This question has been uppermost in my mind all day.

During some downtime today, I did a topical search on new creation. I was directed to the predictable verses about being a new creation, but I dug a little deeper, and was directed to different verses dealing with regeneration. Like this one I blogged about a while ago:

GOD, your God, will cut away the thick calluses on your heart and your
children's hearts, freeing you to love GOD, your God, with your whole heart and soul and live, really live.

And this one:

Now God has us where he wants us, with all the time in this world and the
next to shower grace and kindness upon us in Christ jesus. Saving is all
his idea, and all his work. All we do is trust him enough to let him do
it.

And a quote from a christian novel I'm reading (modified):

I know I don't have the power within myself to initiate or complete lasting
changes in my life. Only God can do that.

See what I mean? It's been like this ALL DAY. He's been challenging me: "Do you really accept that I will complete the good work I began in you? Do you believe I am committed to you?"

I'm starting to. I don't want this promise especially to be a minor part of some christian litany of promises. I want it to be real! I want so much to get rid of what has been causing me pain and fear and holding me back from what I really want. I WILL NOT let my past keep me in bondage any longer.

Elhoy Mikarov - God who is near, be near me now as I put my past behind me. Help me put it as far from me as you have put my sins from you. Be with Allen and me.

El Emet - God of truth, make your promises TRUTH to me. I want to hold unswervingly to your words.

Jehovah Shalom - Lord of peace, give me your peace and comfort. Give me courage and don't let me miss the love that my fear is hiding.

Jehovah Ropheka - Lord our healer, heal me. Heal my spirit, heal my mind. Free me.
Jehovah Shammah - Lord who is present, be real to me.

Amen

Sound the retreat!

I thought the retreat went really well considering all that the enemy tried to pull to get us down. The lesson was very good, and sparked lots of discussion, and the object lessons written were well-played! I have to agree with Jeanna that Sunday's testimonies were probably one of the high points for me. In the past, Sunday had become sort of anti-climactic - the lesson was over, one more thing before we pack and leave - but anymore, Sunday mornings at the retreat have been amazing! He has really been evident!

I was thrilled to have some rookies join us this year. And no, we didn't haze them too badly - lol!

I thought the entire weekend was very encouraging, and I can't wait to see the changes that will come from it!

Wait - I thought it was Tuesday - not Monday

Ever have one of those days...? Got up early, doin' the shower thing, everything's going great, Allen heads out to work - early (see? we're both doing well...!), get the kids up, pet the dog, pack for work - wait - back up - Tyler is in his room whining. *sigh* What's wrong? Headache & stomachache, and feels warm. I hear coughing - oh, good! It's not Tyler - um, er - it's Ryan - not good! Get them taken care of. Tyler goes back to bed, Ryan gets ready to head to school. I head out to work. THUMP thump thump thump...for the love - a flat tire?!!? NOT. COOL. Nurse the car back home. Call wonderful, sweet, beloved, heroic hubby at work. He comes home to change my tire - 'cuz he's AWESOME! Finds that my spare tire is also flat...

Anyway...I'm home with the sick ones (child and car) and I've got too much to do to be here. Our retreat is this weekend, and I've got shopping and packing and preparing to do. We leave Friday for a weekend of study, and prayer (and chocolate.) I'm really excited because we've got some rookies coming this year!

Tyler is feeling better. Temp's down and he's eating. Haven't checked the car. Gorgeous, forgiving, patient, handsome husband still loves me (whew)! Hopefully this evening will go better than this morning did...! LOL!

Dilemma

So I've been at this job almost a year now, and I'm really enjoying it. Butcept...

Today I got an email from the 'home' office here in town, asking me to complete a performance self-evaluation. Ugh. First of all, isn't that supposed to be the job of my supervisor? How did she get off so easily, huh? Not. Fair.

Secondly, this darn thing is asking me to evaluate what I do. Like, am I a good leader? Do I follow directions well? Am I organized?

There are a handful of ratings to apply to myself and my performance. So, do I go for the one that makes me the perfect employee, and yet everyone will know that the ratings are a complete sham because NO ONE is THAT good? Or do I go for the more truthful and humble ratings?

I know that I should 'sell' myself at this evaluation, but I really struggle with doing that. For instance, one of my co-workers asked me to print something for him for some binders he was constructing, and I printed what he needed and then I completed the binders for him. No big deal. It's my job, after all. I am in the position of serving the people around me at work. He was thrilled that I did this for him and promised to send a positive memo to my superiors. I thanked him, but told him it wasn't necessary - I'm doing my job.

I'm really having a hard time with puffing myself up, when that's not how I feel I should be. Any advice?

Raise your hands...

Allen asked me recently if I was ever going to blog again. I told him I wasn't sure. But, here I am again...

Today's message at church was very thought-provoking. Jarrod preached on the Israelites fighting the Amelekites, and how Aaron and Hur kept Moses' arms lifted for him when he couldn't do it himself. He talked about encouraging, and how these two men made things better for all of God's people by encouraging (or giving courage) to only one of God's people. The most moving part of the service was at the close of the message, when Jarrod asked us to get into groups of three, and have the person in the middle let their arms be held up by the other two while they prayed for the person in the middle. It was really amazing to see how many people were willing to get out of their little Sunday-church-this-is-my-pew-and-my-space-and-I-don't-need-to-interact-other-than-bland-generalities boxes, and let other people pray for them, touch them. Very inspiring. I've always considered myself somewhat encouraging, but it's made me really consider whether I am. I must admit that I definitely wasn't encouraging to my kids or my husband the rest of the day. Sorry, guys...

Regardless, thank you, Blogville, for encouraging me, and for lifting my arms when I couldn't.

Monday

I got a call this evening, telling me that someone, a lady from church, passed away suddenly this weekend. I was shocked. Granted, she had not been in the best of health, but I never expected this! She was disabled to some degree, and had other physical challenges.

I called a few sisters that I knew were close to her, to check if they were handling the news okay. I mentioned to one that I didn't know her well, and that I really didn't have the opportunity to get to know her. I then corrected myself - yes, there was the opportunity. The chance to serve a sister in need, the chance to take her to church or to the store, the chance to send her a note, the chance to call and check on her.

I think that may be the most tragic thing: evidently no one knows how long she'd been dead before she was found. It could have been anytime between Thursday and Monday morning. I remember noticing her absence at church Sunday, and I was hoping she was feeling alright. But I didn't call. She had just joined us on the women's ministry servant group, and was very excited about the events we have planned.

I just feel bad, you know? I mean, I know where she is now, but what were her last moments like? Had she taken a fall? She was unable to get back up if she had. Was she frightened? Was it sudden, like a stroke or heart attack? Was she in pain? Did she cry out for help?

Please pray for her family.

I'm HOW old again?!?!?

I really thought I wouldn't have a problem with my upcoming birthday - even though it's THE dreaded milestone one. And I don't think I will when it finally gets here. However, I AM having a problem with the idea that I have close friends old enough to be the mother of the bride. I spent a good number of years helping friends with their weddings: singing, decorating, even doing hair & make-up. But never helped their MOTHERS, if you know what I mean. I have a friend whose daughter got married at the end of December, and another one whose daughter will be married in May. When the heck did this development occur?! I don't feel old enough for this to have happened! I mean, did my mother's generation feel this way, too?! Too weird...

You know what they say: At your age, just go braless - it'll pull all the wrinkles out of your face...(just checking to see if anyone's still reading...lol!)

Sunday

Finally! Something halfway decent about the no-longer-going-to-be-a-stuporbowl - Go Indy!

Today was my last Sunday singing with the praise team for awhile. I really tried to put aside my personal feelings about the day and the songs and (fill in the blank)...and just worship. I'll just say that I'm glad I'm taking next month off.

I took Friday off - not feeling well - and I'm not looking forward to going back tomorrow. I can't shake this headache for very long at all. It comes and goes in waves, it seems. Ugh.

Plans seem to be coming together for the retreat. I'm so blessed to be working with a great bunch of women! And I'm learning to delegate...lol!

...and then reality set in...

So, yeah, Sunday was great. Monday, my coworker returned to work after two months, and I started feeling less confident about what I've been doing while she's been gone. Then Tuesday comes, and I blow it from the beginning of the day - lousy quiet time (my fault), so-so work day, practice (meh - again - my fault).

I hate it when Satan attacks so quickly! And so completely! In every area. Physically, spiritually, emotionally. Blech.

So, I'm home tonight, I'm about to put on my comfy flannel jammies, and watch AI - or something mindless, at least - just zoning out...if you need me, I'll be the lump under the blanket...

Sunday

Whew - busy day today! Sang this morning (felt much better, by the way!) and had my first women's ministry servant group meeting this afternoon. The meeting went really well, I thought. We got some preliminary planning done for the retreat, and some groundwork laid for events throughout the rest of the year. People seemed really open to each other, as well as to the ideas I had. I feel really good about the start we've made, and can't wait to see where God leads us next!

So, back to this morning...I'm waiting up front for services to begin, when I notice someone I recognize in the back of the auditorium - it's Allen's sister! Unprompted! Hallelujah! I was so excited she was there! She told me that her work schedule had changed and she was now able to start attending church - yay! She also told someone else that she would try to get one of her sisters to come next week. I slipped out during the message and called Allen to let him know - he was so excited! Hopefully, this will become a regular thing!

And now...I'm going to go stitch and enjoy the solitude, and satisfaction of a good day!

Unworthy

As I mentioned in my last post, I was considering taking a break from the praise team. Well, I've gone ahead and informed our worship leader (George, for those of you keeping score at home) that I'm taking a hiatus, at least for February.

I recently had a couple of very challenging conversations with some dear people. They called me higher in many areas, including my involvement in the praise team. I've heard two adjectives ascribed to me specifically, and they made quite an impact. I was told I looked bored, and that I am cynical. Guilty on both counts. On the way home tonight, I simply couldn't justify remaining on the PT until I get my head and heart together. I mean, is this how someone who is to be 'leading' worship should be described?!

I had expressed some of my concerns before this evening with another friend. I asked him how I was supposed to lead someone to worship when I hadn't approached the throne room myself. He offered that I could look at it two ways: one - that I shouldn't be 'leading'; or two - that I would make a better leader because I was seeking. Okay. But in which camp am I to pitch my tent?

One of my problems, in my opinion, is that I can't just flip a switch and be ready to worship. I need to take the time to truly prepare. Unfortunately, by the time I'm done with sound check and practice Sunday morning, I'm so focused on the technical aspects of singing that I forget why I'm there. It's the head stuff and not the heart stuff.

I've started tuning out on the drive into work these days - just being quiet in the car and talking to God. I've adopted a phrase that our youth pastor incorporates into his prayer during his sermon. He says something like "whether anyone else knows it God, You and I know that I am nothing without You." I really like that. And it's so true. I was praying that this morning, and it hit me that, yes, I am nothing. But to Him, I'm everything. Even if it saved only me, He would have still gone through it all. WHY can't I get through the 'stuff' and sing about THAT?! Or focus on the many blessings He's given me?! Or the fact that the Spirit is living in me?! Or...

I went back and read my blogs from right after Zoe. Whew - don't know where that person went off to! And the really bad thing is that I miss that person - I miss the progess I was making, the things I was feeling, the things He was showing me.

I know this is kind of rambling, and I apologize. It's late, and I've been wrestling with this stuff for awhile now.

Today I am thankful for friends willing to tell me the truth.

...and I'm back

So, yeah, that whole internet thing - not working so much at our house for the last month - ugh.

Recap: (for the two people who care...lol!)
Christmas was good - I think everyone got what they wanted, or at least something they wanted.
I have decided to take on the women's ministry. The former leader passed the 'baton' to me today - a plastic bag of files dating back to 1998 - ack! I think I might be in over my head...
I may be taking a break from the praise team. Not sure yet.
Work is still going well - I actually have received some praise from co-workers - which is always nice, right?
My coworker/mentor is still out - she's been out since before Thanksgiving - but I think I'm handling the 500 or so people on my floor pretty well!

I do have some things I have been mulling over - I will try to get some semblance of order to my thoughts and get something worthwhile posted here very soon. Tonight I just wanted to send up a flare to let people know I haven't fallen off the face of the planet...

Have a good week!!

Struggles

I'm struggling (toying?) with the idea of becoming head of the women's ministry at church. Okay, maybe not toying...but struggling, considering, praying about - yeah those all fit. I don't know if a) I'm ready for that kind of responsibility, b) I'm prepared for the time commitment - especially since Allen is working with the leadership of the men's ministry now, and I really want to encourage him in that, or c) if it's my Type A personality coming to the fore - i.e. I'll know stuff.

Do I really want to serve because of Him or because of me? I guess that's what it boils down to. Prayers ALWAYS appreciated...

Thanks, Blogville.

Yup.

...pretty much sums up what's been going on around here...

Actually, that's not completely true. Been doing the work thing, the family thing, the church thing. I really did have some great blogging ideas, but my head is hurting pretty bad tonight, and naptime - er - the football game awaits!

We've had some unpleasant things happening in our family. Some serious (Allen's mom's heart, my uncle's Thanksgiving day stroke) and some not so serious (dryer conking out T-giving weekend) and I was starting to really get overwhelmed with the STUFF, you know? Then I realized that these aren't random acts of grumpitude, but attacks - again - by he-who-didn't-win. Allen and I have both recently taken on more responsibilities in our respective ministries, and somebody doesn't like it. Soooo...just need to keep our eyes on God and we'll make it through whatever comes our way.

By the way, a few posts ago I blogged about the young lady who was in a coma for no apparent reason. I'm sorry to say that BJ passed away November 17, 2006, after having a massive brain stem stroke. Earlier in the day, she had begun to show signs of awakening, but something happened, and her husband had to make that decision everyone dreads. If his posts are any indication of what's really going on, he seems to be doing okay under the circumstances.

Spellbound

I have always had a gift for spelling – don’t know why, don’t know where it came from, but there ya go. Didn’t do the whole huge spelling bee thing butcept in fourth grade. I spelled down my elementary school, and came in fourth at the next level. In high school, I was in an honors English class all four years. Which means very little, except that I can’t diagram a sentence - we were doing “meaningful” things, like “litrachure” (read in a high brow, snotty tone) and writing our own books, and such. I do, however, have a certain comma thing that works pretty well for me. (Hang on; I really do have a point to this…!)

This ‘gift’ or whatever it is can be a blessing and a curse. A blessing because I am daily called upon to confirm spelling for people at work. A curse because I can’t see the forest for the trees.

If I’m asked to read something, I will begin with the best of intentions. I want to read what’s been written, I want to know the meaning behind the words, the heart of the writer. Unfortunately, the curse shows up, the red pen comes out (okay – not on the computer screen, people – it’s just a figure of speech!) and I lose the story because I’m too busy reading the words. You remember that scene in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off where they’re at the art museum and Cameron starts spacing out while looking at the pointillism picture? Yeah, that’s me.

I know that happens in my spiritual life, too. I get so caught up in the little things, that I miss the big things. Sometimes I’m too busy checking things off the list to realize the “why” behind the list’s existence. Same thing with singing - too worried about the technicalities of the music to hear the heart of the song.

Anyone else in this particular boat? How do we get out of it?

Blog

I’ve been contemplating a blog. Trying to figure out what to write about and what to write about it. Wanting to write something meaningful, inspirational, humorous, whatever. Maybe even vent a little bit. I don’t know.

Today, I was perusing the cross-stitching blogs I read and through various links, found a new-to-me blog. Evidently, a young mother felt ill with flu-like symptoms on Halloween. She is now in a life and death struggle, with no apparent cause. The blog is now written by her husband, who is dealing with the very real possibility of losing his 29-year-old wife and becoming a single parent to his two children. In reading the grief and fear and worry he’s put out there, I sat at my desk and cried.

I don’t know this family from Tennessee. They don’t know me. More importantly, from what I gather, they don’t know Jesus. In fact, they have denied God for all of their adult lives. But now, he’s crying out to the Creator. Begging, pleading with the Great Physician to heal her, to strengthen him. He is acknowledging that there’s Something out there. He’s begun praying with his children, praying over his wife, trying to communicate his new faith-out-of-desperation to her.

He has been ending each blog entry by expressing his love for his wife. It’s overwhelming to read, nearly painful in its intensity. His words:

“I feel relief, and hope. Fatigue, numbness, headache too.
We just got back from visiting her, and she responded to me. She’s sedated, but not paralyzed, and as I talked to her she squeezed my hand. I have no doubt she was doing it to communicate. She did it a few times.
Guys, I’ve been an armchair athiest [sic] for years, and now I find myself the proverbial guy casting about for salvation in stormy waters. I think [she] sees
God. I think she squeezed my hand to tell me so. This is hard for an objective person like me to admit, but I think God is there and that she is being taken care of by it (he, her, it, whatever). If I were reading this a month ago, I’d think it’s the words of somebody in shock and grief and searching for any sign of any chance of a hope. I’d dismiss it. I can’t do it anymore. I sincerely believe that she is in the hands of a higher power, and that she is being protected, and that she will come back to us.”

"She never believed in an afterlife. I did, to an extent, but we never talked about it. I wish now that we had agreed on a place to meet, just in case.”

“I love you, BJ, so very, very, very much. You are the most precious thing. Sleep free from pain, sleep free from fear. The God that we denied for years is watching you and keeping you. Come back to me.”

…makes me kinda see the big picture…Please keep them in your prayers. And go hug someone you love.

Random...

Verifiable randomness – just ‘cuz it’s my blog and I can…

When will my children be old enough to NOT go out on Halloween? So I’m still waiting for the “I’m too old to go, mom” speech – although with the prospect of FREE and CANDY involved, I’ll probably not hear it for quite a while, yet.
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So can I count it as healthy if what I eat for lunch comes from the same row as something marked with the little “sort of nutritious for all that it comes from a vending machine, so this is the best we can do” sticker?
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Just this morning, I called my sons at home after I got to work:

DS1: “Whassup, mom?”
Me: “Hi. You need to turn off the light in the garage, please.”
DS1: “It’s still on?”
Me: “Yes, or else I wouldn’t be calling you.”
DS1 “I didn’t turn it off?”
Me: (becoming slightly irritated) “No, please do it now.”
DS1: (evidently MORE than puzzled) “Are you home?”
…for the love…
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I told Allen that I wasn’t going to sign us up to attend my company’s “Winter Celebration” party (can’t even call it a holiday party, let alone a Christmas party!) From his comments when I first mentioned the party, I assumed that we wouldn’t be going. It also happens to fall on the same day as the cookie exchange I’m heading up at church. So I told him we weren’t going to go. He looked at me and said, “But we know everybody at church already…” We’re going…could be fun…
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I find it very intriguing that, although I work at a BIC (Big Insurance Company – an acronym I learned today from a fellow external associate whose company employees are not allowed to state where they actually go to work each day) and the place is very Dilbert-esque (many mazelike aisles and identical, anonymous cubes) it amazes me what people will do to make their cubicle their own. Inflatable, tropical fish hanging from the ceiling; pictures of just about everything you can imagine – from Chihuahuas to Harleys and everything in between; seasonal decorations (including one foreign gentlemen who has had a Thanksgiving turkey on display since my first day here six months ago); voodoo dolls (‘nuff said); lovely paintings; toys – LOTS of toys – it runs the gamut…No matter how hard the borg tries to spit out identical automatons, we won’t be forced into that mold…